Entry 12

Uh, hi. So, I’m back. Again.

I always end up forgetting I’ve got this blog (if you can even call it that) up here open for anyone to read. It feels awfully invasive on some levels, but it’s what I signed myself up for so I have no complaints.

It would actually be super cool if someone read these and talked to me. Idk. Maybe we’d even become friends.

Well, it’s been another month since I wrote in here. It feels like it’s been much shorter and it scares me how fast time has been flying. It scares me shitless, man. I don’t even know how to deal with any of this, any of these feelings.

I’ve been feeling kind of confused this past month. For one, I had a ‘fight’ with two of my friends a few weeks ago. It was about the stupidest thing, want to guess what it was about? It was about a pair of socks. SOCKS. I mean, seriously Hannah? Something’s fucking wrong with me. Ever since then, it’s been pretty tense with one of my friends I fought with. The other one I’m fine with because we both apologised for getting too heated, but with Mala (that’s just her name scrambled together), there’s still an underlying tension that I don’t think will ever go away. I’m not too bothered though. It’s what it is.

I think something’s wrong with me, though. Possibly a bipolar disorder. Possibly I’m just overreacting but I have constant weird bouts of anger and sadness that come so quickly after each other that I don’t have time to even blink. It’s like second nature to me and that scares the shit out of me. Could that be bipolar disorder? Fuck.

I honestly just hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much dude. So so so so so so much. You know what the funny thing is, though? To another person, they would never guess that. I put on this weird self-centred act where I appear to me egotistical and stuck up, but little do they know I’m the furthest from that anyone could ever get.

I think it’s a coping mechanism for me. It seems less real – my issues I mean.

I don’t know, man. I’m just stressed. Stressed about my upcoming AMUS violin exam, my future, my grades, my friends, my family, just EVERYTHING. It’s like a dark rain cloud constantly hovering over me like a little bitch. I can’t do anything about it. I just have to learn to cope with it, I guess.

But back to the topic of hating myself, I really do. Like, I know a lot of people just say it because it’s a ‘quirky teen’ type of thing, but lol, I genuinely can’t stress how much I really really fucking hate myself.

I hate how I act, I hate how sometimes I can be the biggest bitch ever, I hate how I make people feel, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I’m never truly myself, I hate the way I’m so conscious about everything I do, I hate how I care so much about what other people think of me, I hate how I always feel like I’m not good enough, I hate how I treat my friends like shit, I hate how I treat my family like shit, I hate how I’m a lazy piece of shit, I hate how I’m dumb, I hate how I have such big mood swings that put everyone in a bad mood, I hate the way my body looks, I hate the way I’m always daydreaming to get out of the reality of my own life, I hate the way I constantly compare myself to other people in every single way, I hate how I never try in anything, I hate how I know I could do great but I never can be bothered to try to, I hate how I’m so fucking self-absorbed sometimes, I hate how selfish I can be, I hate how sensitive I am, I hate how I always try to fit in yet preach that people who do that are losers, I hate how I’m not actually good at anything, I hate how ignorant I am, I hate how I’m fake, I hate how snakey I can be sometimes, I hate how sometimes I think the world revolves around me, I hate how I conform to how everyone wants me to be like, I hate how disorganised I am, I hate how my legs look, I hate how my nose looks, I hate my face shape, I hate my fingers, I hate my toes, I hate how flabby my stomach is, I hate I always lie to people so I’m put in a good light, I hate how I have no concept of money, I hate how I have no sense of reality, I hate that I can’t recall one time in my life where I’ve genuinely put 100% into anything I did, I hate how I don’t practice, I hate how I think everyone thinks I’m cool, I hate always wanting to be cool, I hate the way I get upset and withdraw myself after one joke someone makes about me, I hate how hyper I can get, I hate my loud voice, I hate how low my voice is, I hate the way I don’t truly appreciate anything, I hate how I cope with things, I hate the way I take advantage of people, I hate how easily angered I become, I hate the way I act when I’m angry, I hate how my voice sounds so violent sometimes, I hate the way I embarrass myself, I hate the way I embarrass other people, I hate the way that even though I have everything I could possibly ever want or need at the tip of my fingers, I still ask for more, I hate me.

I hate me.

Entry 11

Hiya. It’s been almost two months since I last wrote on this and I can’t believe how quickly time has been passing. I mean, it’s nearly the end of this year already but I feel like it’s only been a few weeks since I was back in New York and Europe spending Christmas with my family.

To be honest, I’m actually pretty scared about how quickly time has been passing. Too quickly. I feel like my life is flying by my eyes and I’m sitting in the backseat just watching. I don’t feel like I’m in control of my life at all. I just do what’s needed of me. Go to school, do assignments, eat, hang out with my friends, sleep. It’s all just a repeat and it’s all very boring to me.

A lot, and I mean A LOT has changed since I last wrote in here. Regarding the guy I was talking to that I nicknamed Thane, I found out that he was actually gay a while ago lol. I just feel like I’ve wasted so much of my time on him and now I can never get those months back. I also feel guilty though. As much as I want to hate him and scream at him for not telling me that he was gay when he found out that I liked him, I know I don’t have a right to be angry because at the end of the day, sexuality can be a triggering topic and one that he isn’t comfortable speaking about to someone, let alone someone he’s only been talking to for two months or so.

I guess I just feel pretty betrayed because the day I found out that he was gay, I also found out that he knew I had liked him for a long time, yet still kind of led me on? But to be fair, I’m not sure if his intentions were to lead him on, or that I kind of convinced myself that he did so I had a reason to be mad and blame something that wasn’t my own consciousness leading myself to believe that this guy liked me back.

It’s not only that though. One of my really good friends that I’ve been friends with for 5 years now knew that he was gay, well, she told me that she heard that he was bisexual not gay at the time. She told me she found out last year that he wasn’t straight, though she’s not sure if he’s still bisexual or if he’s turned fully gay now. I felt betrayed that she didn’t tell me his sexual orientations. She didn’t even hint at it at all and looking back at it, it’s just fucked up because I went to her on so many occasions ranting about how I liked Thane a lot and how I think that he likes me back. She egged me on. She told me he probably does like me back because the way that he texts kind of insinuated that he liked me back? I’m not sure. I just know that her point of view on the whole situation was that the feeling of liking was coming from both sides.

When I confronted her about how she knew that he wasn’t straight, she told me that she didn’t want to be the one to spread information because it wasn’t her place to tell me. I guess that was because she didn’t even find out he was bisexual from him himself, she found out from his best friend accidentally when he blurted it out unintentionally. She told me that she told Jayden (his best friend) that she would never tell anyone, and I can understand that. I understand how she was hesitant and didn’t tell me out of respect for Thane and his privacy. But the more I think about it, the more upset I become. One, me and her have been friends for so long now, and we’ve told each other thing’s we’ve never told anyone else. Two, I understand why she didn’t tell me, but why did she have to egg me on like that and to that extent? She should’ve given me some sort of reality because she knew the whole time girls weren’t really his thing.

Oh well.

I’m honestly sick and tired of thinking and talking about this situation because it just brings back bad memories. Memories I want to dig into a grave and keep there for the rest of my life. Another thing though is that I definitely think I could’ve handled the situation much better from my end of the spectrum.

The day I found out he was gay, I left his previous text messages from earlier before I knew about his sexuality on read. I’m not even sure why. I did it in the heat of the moment when I was upset, angry, and confused. I didn’t know how to handle the situation but I knew one thing was for sure, I didn’t want to talk to him. I wasn’t ready to. Not before I got over whatever I fucking felt for him.

So, I left him on read and didn’t reply to him for a few days. Well, those ‘few days’ turned into weeks, which then turned into months. I still haven’t talked to him since. It’s been 2 months I think. Maybe 1 and a half. I don’t know. But, all I know is that that was a super fucking bad way to handle the situation. Because from his end, I can’t imagine how confused he must’ve felt. Going from talking 24/7, to nothing at all as quick as that is fucking confusing to any person. I’ve been overthinking this for a while. I mean, he could also think that I’m being homophobic, ceasing to talk to him right after I find out he’s gay. Like, that gives off a fucked off impression, but it happened and I don’t know what I’m going to do.

All I know is that the reason I’m a little iffy about this situation still is because I haven’t had closure. None of us have. I need closure desperately. But, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet. Not yet. I won’t be able to look at him in the eye and talk about how I felt because I know for a fact that with me, I hate letting someone see how vulnerable I can be. My dignity is what keeps me together sometimes and letting him see how much I liked him only for the hope of a relationship to be crushed violently would put me in a position where I would be weak. I hate that.

I know I need to face him some time or later, and I know we’re definitely going to bump into each other at some point in our lives because we’ve got so many mutual friends, but right now, I’m not ready at all. Or maybe I am but I’m talking myself out of it. I don’t fucking know.

Also something else that’s happened in these past 2 months is that I’ve had the biggest mental breakdown I’ve ever had lmao. It was just last night actually. It was a combination of feeling lost, feeling alone, feeling really fucking insecure about my personality and my looks, and so much more that I’ve been bottling up for some time now.

The mental breakdown (this might sound super stupid) happened after my friend posted a picture of me looking really ugly. It kind of triggered the feeling of fucking hating how I look and I began to cry. I was just fed up over feeling constantly UGLY. I was fed up.

Then, I thought of something that happened to me three days ago. Me and my friends went to a Korean restaurant, and even though I’m a full-blood Korean and none of my friends that were with me are Korean, my Chinese friend that’s a big fan of KPOP had to speak Korean to order (she’s probably better than me in Korean lol that’s how big of a fan she is of Korean culture). I felt fucking humiliated. It’s not only that though. I realised just how whitewashed I am and have been for my whole life. Throughout my whole life, I’ve always wished I could be white. I hated being ethnic. I absolutely despised it.

Maybe that whole mentality stemmed from the fact that I’m always surrounded by white friends, people, and culture because I’ve been living in Australia my whole life, but I never realised how out of touch I’ve been and am with my roots. It makes me feel disgusted with myself. For my whole life, I’ve detested being out in public with a large group of asian people, because I was scared that I would be judged as being FOB. So, even now, I’ve hated going to restaurants and shit with my family because I’m scared of what people will think. It sounds so fucking dumb and I hate this mentality. There’s so many things fucking wrong with it. I just- I don’t know man. I just hate myself. I really do. I hate myself so much. I hate how arrogant I am, how spoilt I am, how fake I am, how everything I am. I hate it.

I miss being a child where I genuinely didn’t care about what people thought about me. I just miss not caring about anything, you know? Idk.

I’m going to end this here.

Until next time, stranger.

Entry 10

So I’m back. It’s been a while since I’ve updated on this blog for two consecutive days straight… well, here it is (even though no one was even asking for it lmao).

I’ve started doing like 15 minutes of mindfulness in the morning with music playing and just sitting down with my back to the concrete wall.

It’s so relaxing, dude. Like, you’ve gotta try it.

I do it in front of my pool and my neighbour has these like long plants (when I saw long, I mean looooooooong – they’re higher than my fence lol) and when the wind blows, they make an awfully relaxing sound. I’m not even sure how to describe it.

Anyway, update on the whole Thane situation (go back to entry 8 if you want the context of it), yesterday he only texted me once and then didn’t text me back until like 8 this morning.

Entry 9

To my friend, Anjana.

She doesn’t know this site. She’ll probably never read this. But, I want her to know that I really appreciate her. I honestly probably wouldn’t be able to get through high school without her.

She’s everything I’m not.

She’s always herself no matter who she’s talking to, she doesn’t bow down to those that are above her, she is the most kind-hearted and sweet person I know. She may not seem like it on the outside, but on the inside, she genuinely wants the best for everyone.

The thing is, she’s been screwed over so many times by people. I hate that.

I’m not sure if she values our friendship as much as I value ours though which makes me a little sad, but it’s not a big deal.

I’m not sure, I just feel like she doesn’t place me in as high of a regard that I put her on. I just respect her a lot and I would trust her with my life deadass.

I’m not sure where this is all coming from but I guess I’m just feeling super reflective and I never really realised how much Anjana influences my life in the best way and how much of a stable figure she is in my life.

Anjana’s one of those people that you will only meet once in your whole life. I really don’t think I’ll meet anyone else like her again.

She’s a life-long friend to me.

Even if aren’t talking in 10 years from now, I’ll always call her my best friend. Always.

My kids will definitely hear about her and I’ll always refer to her as a role model they should have. She’s kind and compassionate, genuine, humorous, and always unashamedly herself.

Thanks for everything, Anjana. I truly appreciate it.

Entry 8

Hey guys, so it’s been exactly a month since I last wrote on here… sorry. It’s been pretty eventful to say the least.

I’ve started talking to this guy called Thane (that’s his name scrambled). He goes to the all boys school across from my school and even though I’ve known him since like grade 8 or 9, we’ve only really started talking now for some reason.

It all started at semi (which in Australia is like a school dance thingy in grade 11). He was acting as my ‘wingman’ to hook me up with this dude called Dacmus (again, that’s not really his name but I’m gonna keep that private lmao) that I really liked, though, I came to realise that I never really liked Dacmus. Yes, I was attracted to him, but in terms of actually liking him? Nah.

The thing with Thane is that he’s literally the male version of me. He likes memes way too much, he uses emojis ironically, he calls people ‘hunty’, he has a meme page, he uses reaction memes too, etc. I could literally go on and on.

I think the reason me and Thane blend so well is because we’re both HEAVILY involved with memes. Like, heavily. We love them.

Here’s the thing though. I’m not sure if he likes me like THAT, or like that. If you kind of get what I mean. Like what I’m trying to say is, I’m not sure if he likes me romantically, or platonically.

I guess that’s me too though. I’m not even sure where my feelings lie either. I mean, you’d think that I liked him romantically because every time he texts me I get butterflies and get all excited, but I’m just not sure, you know? Idk how to explain it.

I need to see him face to face. On text it’s so easy to overanalyse and overthink the shit someone sends, and most importantly, it’s so easy to miscommunicate through text.

Idk.

I’m so confused.

But see, my friend Jess told me that she thinks he likes me platonically, but it’s just at Semi, we were so buddy buddy with each other. Comparing our biceps, touching each other when we really had no reason to, talking face to face (IN CLOSE PROXIMITY), and constantly laughing and talking to each other. I can’t fucking even pin point what it was about that night that made me feel all giddy but every time I think of that night, I think of Thane. Not even that Dacmus guy.

And see, me and Thane have been talking non stop every single day ever since then, and semi was the Saturday before the last, so we’ve been talking for kind of a long time. Even though it’s only been like 2 weeks since then, talking every day for 2 weeks is kind of a big deal in my books. Especially since none of it’s small talk, it’s all banter and jokes. Idk how to explain it. Like, no one initiates the conversation because the conversations are always just continuing on from the night before.

But recently, he’s been taking a lot longer in replying to me. Even though it’s normally only like an hour or two, he used to reply to me a lot quicker. As in, it was always before 30 minutes (normally), and the gap of an hour would be like the max that both of us would go without talking to each other.

It’s all very confusing.

Boys are so fucking clueless and fucked.

Like, he sends me so many mixed messages. He’ll kind of insinuate that he likes me, but then, another text he sends will kind of insinuate friendship.

It’s hard to explain.

I don’t fucking have time for this shit but he just HAD to slide into my life at this moment.

He still hasn’t fucking replied yet either!! WTF? It’s been like an hour?!

I mean, sure, I get that he could be doing a lot of things right now. He could be showering, doing his homework, eating dinner, etc. But if he really liked me, wouldn’t he put me above his other things? I would be his priority?

It’s just so mixed. His indications are so unclear to me.

Even my friends are having trouble reading what he’s actually feeling and what he feels towards me.

I really want to see him in real life. Because in real life, I feel like is the only way to actually know how he feels about me. On text, the messages he sends are carefully constructed and he can easily change them anytime, but in real life? Nah. There’s no such thing as ‘editing’.

I’m just super conflicted and I don’t know what to do or how to feel. This literally feels like a roller coaster of emotions.

Maybe he’s getting tired of me? He used to send me these memes he would find and send them to me to make me laugh or something but he doesn’t do that anymore.

I guess I just feel like his overall persona on text has changed and his texts have almost become drier???? Idk how to explain it.

Maybe he’s not actually interested and he sees me as a friend and I’ve been overthinking this shit way too much.

Maybe I think he’s a friend and the false version of him that I’ve constructed in my brain is the one convincing myself that I actually like him romantically.

Who knows.

He’s just perfect. Actually no, he’s not. No one is. But I’ve just never met someone so compatible in terms of humour, interests, etc.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

I feel like I’m gonna get hurt and I really don’t want to get hurt.

It’s the last thing I need.

Anyway, I’ve written too much, I think I’m gonna go now.

Until next time, Stranger.

Entry 7

Hello everyone. Today has been, well, a rollercoaster of emotions.

It was pretty much a normal day until I was getting ready to leave to go to my music theory teacher’s house and I look at my friend’s story and see that she posted about Cameron Boyce’s death. At first I thought it was like a meme or something because, I mean, in no way shape or form could I have ever imagined that he would die so young. He was only 20.

So, I text her saying ‘lame meme’ but then go to my group chat and realise that they’re all crying about his death. At this point I’m starting to consider that this shit is serious. I literally froze at the top of the stairs trying to see if it was real or not because fuck, this dude was my childhood crush and literally shaped my childhood and if he was gone I wouldn’t know what to do.

I go to his Instagram and go to his latest post. I go into the comments and see everyone commenting ‘RIP’ or things along the lines of that. I nearly drop my phone.

Ever since that moment I’ve been in disbelief. I didn’t even know him at all I just knew him from the internet, yet, I’m still here mourning and crying over his death. I can’t imagine what his family is going through right now.

It all kind of made me think though.

Anyone can die at any time at any place. Cameron died in his sleep due to a seizure but I bet he never saw it coming. He kind of just, died. That could happen to anyone and that fucking scares me.

I don’t want to just ‘die’. Not when I haven’t lived anyway.

It puts everything in perspective. Things that I thought were really important are suddenly not important anymore when it goes on the weigher of what’s actually giving me happiness and what isn’t.

I want to live so bad.

But I’m scared it’ll all be taken from me in an instant.

I’m scared, man.

I’m scared.

Entry 6

Hey, stranger. I’m back.

The last time I wrote in this blog was a month and 5 days ago, on the 1st of June. Now it’s the 6th of July, lol. So, yeah, it’s been a while.

Nothing overwhelming has happened, though. My birthday was probably the only important thing to have happened. Not that I’m saying that my birthday is important because it really isn’t. I kind of just got depressed on my birthday because I’m getting older. I know it’s silly to be saying that when I’m only 16 but damn dude, I’m running out of time to try to get my shit together. By shit, it’s a metaphor for my life. My life = shit. Metaphorically, I guess. Sometimes not. Sometimes yes.

Ages ago in my second entry (I think?) I talked about my friend Anjana. My best friend. Though, not so sure if she still is my ‘best friend’. Actually, no. I take that back. She’s still my best friend but I guess I get weird vibes from her now.

I haven’t seen in her, what, 3 weeks now? I’m on school holidays and she was in Canada for the entire last week of school last term so yeah, I’d say it’s been three weeks. It’s not that we haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks that’s bothering me though. It’s the fact that now that she’s been back in Australia for like a week and a half or even two weeks, I’ve been messaging her if to hang out. But see, during school we had already been planning meeting up a lot on the holidays to get our YouTube channel kickstarted. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. A YouTube channel? Who the fuck do you think you guys are? But yes, we are thinking of making a YouTube channel. The channel’s name we decided would be ‘This Actually Matters’ which is kind of fitting because we want to make our videos about global issues, bringing awareness to the issues that the media doesn’t talk about. Issues that the media doesn’t cover because they’re too busy writing about Kim Kardashian’s latest butt lift. That’s aside from the point though.

We’d talked a lot about what kind of videos we would make, hell, we’ve already recorded our first ‘Introductory’ video, if you can ever call it that. We had agreed that we would make videos a lot over the holidays, which, naturally means that we both had an agreement that we would meet up at each other’s houses and start this shit.

Well, I’ve been contacting her about hanging out and she replies giving valid dates which I guess is good. It’s after that which is where it goes south. We’d FaceTime and I’d give her a date that I’m free to come over to my house so we can start recording and she’d agree with that date, telling me she’d be there. But then, I’ll contact her again and she’ll tell me she can’t. This has happened on multiple occasions.

Like, this shit isn’t just exclusive to this holidays. Last holidays, I invited her to come over to my house just to hang out and she said she’d be there. Obviously, I expected her to actually be at my house that day because she’d told me she was coming. But the day of, it was like 10 minutes after the time we had arranged to meet up and she still wasn’t here. So I called her, she didn’t pick up. Now it was like 30 minutes after the arranged time, so I texted her asking where the hell she was. Literally, two hours later, she texts me saying ‘sorry, I don’t think I can come because my mum doesn’t know the way to your house’. At that point, I was just mad. I was mad as fuck. I told her that her mum could just use a navigation but then she replied saying that her mum didn’t trust it.

It honestly sounded like she was trying to get out of hanging out with me and I was a little hurt. At this point, she had wasted my time waiting for her when I could’ve gone out to lunch with my family who had already left. I didn’t confront her though. Whenever I confront her, she always victimises herself and makes me feel like a piece of shit. She always makes me feel like my feelings aren’t valid because she’s in a more vulnerable position than me.

I’ve told my other friends about her behaviour and they all told me to get the fuck away from her lol. They told me (and they still tell me) that she’s a toxic person in my life, and that all she was doing was making me feel like a piece of shit. Which, is true sometimes but mostly on rare occasions. The thing is though, I fight for her with every fibre of my being whenever my friends talk about her. Because truth be told, deep down I know she is kind of a toxic person in my life, but, whenever she’s nice and happy she’s a really great friend and I don’t want to lose that. She’s the only person I ever see myself confiding in.

I guess it’s just frustrating to me because I’ve defended her honour in front of numerous people warning me about her and her destructive behaviour and I don’t really get anything back in return. That’s where this whole not willing to hang out with me and sort out dates comes in.

I just feel like I’ve given up so much to be friends with her and she just doesn’t understand that.

I guess there’s also a little part of me that’s hurt about it too. Like, it’s not like she’s super busy either because she’s hanging out with other people and it’s just a little blow to my dignity lol. I’m not the sort of person to always be texting them asking to hang out but I just think it’s unfair and wounding that this has all been very much a one-sided thing.

Anyways, that’s it for me now. Peace out.

Until next time.