It’s 11:31pm on the 15th of June, 2026. 29 minutes until my 23rd birthday.

Insane.

I can’t believe I’m about to turn 23. It feels so surreal. I’m sitting in my bed right now, and my life is honestly so far from what I thought it was going to look like at this age. Which makes me feel a certain type of way for sure. But it is what it is.

I don’t really know how to feel about turning 23. My life over the past near two/three years has been a complete emotional rollercoaster from R (the name who I refuse to say) to my beautiful boyfriend now. From graduating university to working. But something that has stayed the same throughout it all has been my overwhelming self-hatred and insecurity. That’s unfortunately something I haven’t been able to shake off, which sucks.

I hate birthdays. I hate them so much. It’s a reminder of how few people are in my life, how few people care that it is even my birthday. Ever since I could remember, I’ve always hated birthdays. That goes for the one I’m about to have too. It feels surreal that I’m going to be 23. It sounds way too grown for how old I feel inside and the maturity I think I have. It feels like I’ve never outgrown my 16 year old self sitting in my room reading wattpad and trolling.

Although, on the bright side, since I’ve started dating my boyfriend (we’ve been dating for one year and 9 months), I can see myself enjoying birthdays again. He makes me feel special and loved and it makes me feel better that even though I don’t have any friends, I have him in my corner and that makes everything okay.

I love him.

I think God put him into my life because he’s brought so much joy in my life and happiness. Made me feel worthy of being loved. He’s copped so much stuff I’ve said and done to him, and me as well. But we love each other and we stay through it all. I want to marry him.

So much has happened. I went to Europe and back with my cousin and her friend, which was super cool. My favourite place was probably Prague then after that Vienna. I loved Florence too. Although right now, I’m not really on speaking terms with my cousin due to the stupidest reason, but it is what it is. It’ll work out, we’re cousins.

I also got a new job. Just part time working at a front desk in the city but I like it. It gets me out of the house everyday and I’ve met cool people through it. I also like working in the city. I was never around in the city that much even through high school, so it for sure makes me feel super adult.

I’ve been interviewing and attending assessment centres for graduate programs over the past three weeks, and I’m set to hear back from one of them (future leaders) anytime soon. It’s a huge source of anxiety for me recently. I wake up, frantically check my emails, see nothing, get a knot in my stomach, check the online forum, see no one’s posted, then try to relax even though I can’t. The other one (parliament) I should hear back from within the next two weeks. And the last one I won’t hear back for a couple months. It’s kinda crazy to me that I was even able to get to these stages for these graduate programs and to be honest, I attest it all to God’s love. I want to talk about this in depth.

Growing up, as future Hannah will know, I was never a believer. Of course I considered myself Catholic simply for the fact my entire family and upbringing was within a Catholic sphere, but I never prayed to God, never thought of him, didn’t even really believe in his existence. Even now I struggle. Immensely. But the reason I want to talk about my faith is because in recent weeks it’s been extremely important to me. And something I consider a huge miracle and sign that God is calling me.

About three months ago now (or maybe shorter) I started going to church. Not because I’d woken up and all of a sudden been constituted by a deep faith and belief in Jesus and God, but out of pure desperation. I felt so alone and lost. I’d turned to faith before when me and my boyfriend were going through tough times, but that didn’t last. Soon I’d forgotten about it, deserted it, and moved on. But since coming back from Europe and delving into job hunting post-grad, I found myself feeling so much stress and anxiety and desperation I’d never felt before. I felt like I didn’t have a purpose and it was life draining applying for jobs everyday and not hearing back. I felt like my life was over.

So I went to church.

When I started going to church, it wasn’t like there was this light switch that turned on immediately. It was nothing like that. I didn’t feel anything, didn’t notice anything, and even felt performative that I was even there. I found myself thinking a lot of thoughts like “man, what am I doing here” and “I’m making myself cringe.” But for some reason, church kept calling me. I kept feeling drawn to it, and I started feeling emotions of guilt if I didn’t go. I didn’t know why because like I said, it wasn’t like I had felt this intense pull from the first moment I entered church on my own accord. All I knew was, I was starting to feel like I needed to, and that it was the right thing to do.

So that’s what I did.

I remember there was this one particular time I went to church (probably about a month and a half ago now) where I sat in the pews completely and utterly lost. I received my communion and in the prayer time upon returning to my seat, I kneeled and just ranted to God. I remember telling Him how lost I felt, how I was so upset, that I was so anxious and stressed, how I felt like a loser, that everything seemed to be falling apart. I asked him to help open my heart up to accept that this is His path, and to open my heart up to realising that He is up there and He is real. I kept saying that in my prayer. I kept saying “Lord, help me” and “I’m so lost.” I remember just pure feelings of desperation. I felt like I was reaching out to someone I didn’t know was up there, but I knew my hands gravitated there.

The morning after or a couple days after, I received an email inviting me to a job interview. In all the months I’d been job hunting (at that point, probably around two-three months), I’d never received a single job interview. Even though this job interview was for a part-time in the city and not a full-time career in government that I wished for, it was a ray of hope that I’d been longing for. Some sort of confirmation that I was doing something or on the right track. I remember getting that email and nearly being close to tears. I attested it all to God. I knew in that moment that my prayers had been heard.

It was no coincidence. I sat in that church, praying, longing, begging for some sort of light to illuminate this seemingly never-ending tunnel, and that was it. The light. In that moment, I knew that He was there. I felt seen for the first time in my life. I felt so grateful and I knew from that moment on that I needed to continue going to church. I couldn’t abandon Him after he’d heard my prayers and took me under His wing.

So, from that moment on, I took it upon myself to attend mass every Sunday. Of course there were weeks that I was busy and couldn’t go, but I wanted to go to church every Sunday and it was in my heart to. I didn’t want to miss it because it was the place I felt closest to the Lord.

Soon after, more opportunities came. I got invited to the future leaders assessment centre, the DTAF (scrambled) assessment centre, and got to the interview stage for the parliament graduate program. All within weeks of each other. Opportunities came flooding in. Opportunities I had begged for, hoped to God for, prayed in Church for. Now, it was all here. I couldn’t deny it anymore. I knew that there was a reason all of these opportunities were ‘coincidentally’ happening following my growing faith and prayers. Because it wasn’t a coincidence. It was God and Jesus hearing me and paving their path for me.

Now, I trust that They have a path for me. I feel so grateful. For the first time in my life, I truly believe that my faith is real and deep. Not nearly as deep as I would want it to be, but I feel the Holy Spirit inside me. For sure. There’s a voice inside me guiding me. Telling me to go to church. Telling me to pray. Telling me the right way. There’s no other explanation. Everything in my life is thanks to Him. All these opportunities would never have come my way if it wasn’t for Him.

I’ve just rambled on and on but my life has truly changed for the better. I still need to learn to put my faith in Him and release any worldly anxieties. That part is still a huge work in progress. But I’m getting there.

Until next time.

Everything is falling apart.

I’m now 22, just recently graduated my undergrad at UQ, no clue what I’m doing, and my relationship is falling apart.

I got back from America early this year in May, and it’s not December. Been pretty much half a year since I last wrote in this blog. Things have been pretty hectic.

• from december 2025

It’s been another four months since I last updated… phew, I really have to remember this blog more often.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 10 months (as of a week ago) and it honestly feels surreal. It feels like we’ve barely been dating for long at all, yet at the same time, feels like it’s been forever. I can’t believe that in two months we’ll be coming up on one year.

He’s the love of my life and I have never been happier in my entire fucking life. I feel so glad to be able to say that – especially coming out of that last situation I was in. I questioned for a long time whether what I was feeling was love, or whether it was some sort of attachment or, I guess, a weird feeling of being afraid of being by myself, but I know clear as crystal that I am wholeheartedly, unfathomably, and unconditionally in love with this man. Every facet of his being, every breath he takes, every slight movement, I could stare at him, study his face and his features for hours and never get tired. I could talk to someone about him and the role he plays in my life for hours, until my jaw falls slack and my saliva whitens in the corners of my mouth, and still, still, not get tired.

I’ve never felt this way before, not for anyone. I never saw myself being truly in love with someone, but I guess that came from a place of not really knowing what that meant. But God, is it the most wonderful feeling.

Everyone is right. When you meet the right man, things start falling into place. You bloom into someone that you don’t even really recognise. What that’s looked like for me is a confidence that I had only wished I’d had years ago, a security in my future and myself that he gives me, a love for myself that I finally see after twenty-two years of being blind to it, and a feeling of upmost comfort and warmth in his presence – and without. Just knowing he’s there, just a text away, a slight reach away, a call away, I can breath. He has literally become my oxygen and without him, I have no clue where I’d be.

I love him.

I’d wished for years and years for a love like this and I genuinely, truly, did not ever think it would ever manifest in my life. I never necessarily thought I was the type of girl that was loveable, well, that’s probably a dramatic statement but I guess what I mean is, I never thought of myself as someone that somebody would choose and love wholeheartedly. So feeling it now, loving and being loved, is fucking crazy.

But that in itself has opened another door, another Pandora’s box (if you will). As my love for him grows more and more, I’ve become deathly afraid of losing it. That one day he’ll wake up and realise I’m not for him, that I’m too emotional, too much to deal with. Too much baggage. That perhaps he wants someone else, someone easier, nicer, more passive. Maybe prettier too. Skinnier. I wouldn’t blame him. So much of our relationship has been marred by my blinding anger, my unjustified insults I’ve hauled at him time and time again, my attempts to push him away so he can’t push me away. So much of it. When I think about all the times I’ve hurt him, my heart sinks. Genuinely. It’s an aching feeling of regret, disgust at myself, more regret, more disgust, and so many other emotions I haven’t had the energy nor intelligence to process. I could spend the entire rest of my life making it up to him, and it still would not be enough. Not even close.

I don’t know why I’m such an angry person. Why my sadness turns into rage, why my insecurity turns into rage, why any hit to my pride or ego turns into rage. Why everything seems to turn into rage. The smallest thing he does seems to tick me off, to trigger me, to kick in a sense of flight or fight. Any time he rejects me in the slightest (even if it really wasn’t even a rejection), I feel the need to hit him back ten fold, to play mind games to soothe my insecurities that’s telling me that he’s leaving, that I’m not good enough for him. It’s manipulative and it’s callous, it’s something I should never be doing to the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. I push him away, demanding to break up, then cry on his shoulder as I break down, riddled with guilt alongside confusion as to why I’m like this, why I cannot for fuck’s sake be normal. Then comes the self-hatred. A burning feeling inside me that stays passive until something happens, to which it rises up, enflaming my entire flesh with thoughts telling me I’m terrible, fat, ugly, unloveable, a pity case. Then, I lash out at him again; because, for some reason, instead of just asking him for reassurance, I seem to start fights to look for reassurance. Which I find in him begging for my forgiveness, spamming my phone, etc.

I can never take back the hurt that that has caused him, and I can and will never even begin to ask for forgiveness. I don’t know how I could ever do that in good conscience – not after all the poison I’ve hurled at him. I don’t deserve it. What he deserves is change, and that has been something I have been actively trying to implement because I love him, and I would change a thousand times to be the woman he deserves because I want to be his woman. I’m rambling.

Changing isn’t easy. It wasn’t easy for a long time. I would find myself slipping back into bad habits, threatening to break up, then crying on his chest for hours and hours. It happened again and again until he told me how much it hurts him, how much it affects him, puts a damper on his spirit, and I realised that I have to get my shit together or otherwise, he’ll leave me, and I would never forgive myself for letting someone like him slip through my fingers. I’ve had to change fundamentally as a person. I’ve had to stop centring my pride and ego, to stop taking any small rejection as made up ‘proof’ of his hatred towards me (crazy, I know), to stop launching verbal attacks anytime I felt like I was being attacked. I’ve had to learn to listen more, to understand him more, let him be him more. All of this was the bare minimum, stuff I should’ve been providing him with from the very beginning of our relationship, yet I hadn’t done any of it. I’d allowed myself to project my unhealed trauma onto him, expecting him to cop it, to just suck it up. I made him try and fix me without really doing anything to fix myself. I treated him terribly, and although my love for him never wavered, that wasn’t enough to stop my torrents of verbal insults and attacks one after the other, because for me, at that point in my life, I was begging for some sort of reassurance, proof he wasn’t lying about his love or care for me, but was too fucking immature to come out and say that straight. I hate myself for it. I will always hate myself for how I treated him.

I’ve gotten better now, at least I think I have. I’ve started communicating how I feel in calm manners, allowing myself time away to calm down, telling him how I feel as straight as possible without a voice in my head telling me it’s cringe or weak. Things have gotten better. I think. He says he can see I’ve changed too, but he loves me, and I’m not sure whether he’s just saying that to make me feel better… either way, I’m making active changes to be the woman he deserves, and it is up to me to prove to him that I can and will change for him because I love him, and he’s my endgame.

I’ve just been feeling super emotional recently. I was with him today, and for some reason, as I lay there on his chest, watching him rest his eyes, the thought of him not being in my life consumed me. My eyes wouldn’t stop welling up with tears and I couldn’t stop crying. I’ve known him for about a year now or so, how is it possible this man has changed my life so much? Made me a better person, made me view myself so positively, when all I had was hatred. What if something were to happen to him? If he decided he wanted something different? If he broke up with me suddenly or cheated on me? How could I ever recover?

The feeling of being in love with him, fully and unconditionally, is amazing. But, what isn’t amazing is how vulnerable I now feel. This man has my entire life in his hands, he is capable of ruining it, or making it even better with just a single decision. A single decision. I don’t like it. I don’t like how much power he now holds over me, how he’s become my biggest strength but also, my biggest weakness. I wouldn’t change my love for him for anything in this world, but fuck, I am so terrified of him leaving me or something happening to him. I don’t even want to write about it because I don’t want to put it out into the universe, but the thought of him betraying me, or not being in my life, fucking terrifies me. I don’t know what I’d do, how I’d survive. I wouldn’t ever be capable of loving again. I’m sure of it. He holds so much power over me and my life, and I don’t know if he realises that. He has the potential to change its trajectory with just a single thought. That’s insanely terrifying.

I’m rambling again. As you can tell, I’m extremely insecure. I’ve probably got everything in the book: attachment issues, abandonment issues, anxiety, separation anxiety, etc. It’s made me quite clingy (very clingy), and I know that. I’m trying to be better with it. I really am. He’s told me I can be clingy, and that broke my heart. But, I’m trying to change, and it’s not about me. Sometimes I do feel like I love him a lot more than he loves me, because I always want to be with him, close to him, hanging out with him. He doesn’t, I think, necessarily feel the same way. But, maybe, that can be chalked down to different love languages and my affinity to extroversion and his to introversion. That’s what he says, at least, and that’s why I tell myself. If I don’t tell myself that, I’ll drive myself crazy with thoughts that he just doesn’t love me, that I’m annoying, that I’m too much to handle. So, I choose to believe him.

I’m rambling even more. To sum it up, I hope I marry him. I want him to be the father of my children, the man I spend the rest of my life with. I feel lucky that I’ve found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with so early, because he is everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I don’t want this to ever end. In fact, I need it to never end because I don’t know what I’d do with myself if it ever did.

Until next time!

My boyfriend left America yesterday to go back home to Australia 😦

Ever since he left I’ve been bombarded with intense feelings of homesickness. It’s so difficult when someone comes from home, reminds you of home, then just leaves. I miss everything about home.

The same feelings I’m feeling now are the same feelings I felt while I was in Canberra. I would go on hour long drives every single day to try and distract myself, cry, and feel so insanely lonely. It’s scaring me that I’m feeling these feelings that have been so foreign to me for so long.

I think my feelings of homesickness are intensified especially because I feel so anxious every time I’m in my room. That has to do with my clinically insane roommate. Yesterday when I got home from dropping Gabe off at the airport, the minute I saw her in the room my heart dropped. She also stole my toothbrush that was brand new in its packaging yesterday! So that’s great!

The more I think about it the more fucked up it is, to be honest. The fact she was rummaging through my drawer, tore open my new toothbrush from its packaging, put the toothbrush on her own desk. Holy fuck, I hate her. Then the audacity for her to give ME attitude when I got upset at her?

It boils my blood.

-WRITTEN ON 21/02 2025

Holy fuck. So, yeah, clearly I completely forgot the existence of this blog again and it’s been nearly five full months since I last update in it… oops.

Man, where do I begin. So much, if not everything, has changed in my life and I’m not completely sure where to start. I guess I’ll start here: me and G are dating now! He asked me to be his girlfriend on the 13th of September last year and so we’ve been dating for around five months now. It’s been amazing and blissful and everything I could’ve ever asked for. He loves me and never lets me question it, treats me like a princess, and makes sure I have everything I could ever want, if I don’t, changes for me.

It’s a feeling I’ve never felt before.

I don’t have too much experience with dating, but coming out of a previous ‘relationship’ (we’ll call it that for the sake of simplicity) where it was constantly tumultuous, toxic, and draining all the life force out of me, and getting into a new relationship where I feel nothing but safety, stability, and love, is crazy. I don’t regret the time I spent with R – though, I do feel incredibly sorry for myself because man was I down bad – because all in all, it led me to this point with my incredible boyfriend who I could not be happier with.

Another important life update: I’m in Boston at the moment on semester exchange! I’ve been here for a month and a half now and been in America for nearly 2 months and a half in total. I can’t believe it’s already been that long. It’s extremely cold here, but so fucking beautiful. I will say, actually living in America has disillusioned my fantasy of living in America and I don’t think I ever want to live here full-time. That being said, it’s still extremely beautiful.

Me and G have been calling every day for hours and hours. Every hour that we are both awake at the same time (since he’s still back in Australia) we spend on the phone with each other, sometimes not even saying anything but relishing in each other’s presence. I love him, at least, I think I do. I’m not really sure what ‘love’ feels like because I’ve never felt it before, but I know that I deeply care about him. It’s difficult doing long distance with him, though. There are temptations everywhere (not that I would ever give into them), and it’s so fucking difficult maintaining a relationship when you’re miles and miles apart – and hours. I don’t understand how some people do long distance for the duration of their entire relationship I find it so incredibly silly. Why the fuck would you do that? Luckily for me and G, I come back to Australia in early May so we won’t, hopefully, ever have to do long distance again. It’s just so difficult man. I can’t see him in person, when I’m out I can’t talk to him all the time, I have to make new friends that have never met him, etc. I want to do everything for him and I care so much about him, that being away from him sucks.

I do love him. I really do.

I see a future with him, imagine us getting married, having kids, moving in together, buying our first home together, the list goes on. I get excited at the prospect of doing all that with him. He makes me feel so insanely loved all the time and he does everything for me. He doesn’t have that much money, yet he still committed to coming to visit me all the way from Australia to America while I’m on exchange.

Man, I am active on this blog for the first time in years. Normally its a once in three month type update situation but alas, you are all in luck.

I’m still so confused with my feelings towards G. I hung out with him last night and I find him handsome and tall and funny, but I’m starting to realise that maybe I’m just not really that emotionally available right now. Which sucks. Because he’s someone that’s so good for me. I just can’t actually find it in myself to catch genuine feelings for him yet I think.

I don’t know.

I was like this with R too at the beginning. I wasn’t even sure if I fully liked him or just liked his attention, I don’t know. I don’t think about him as a person much anymore and the only thoughts that revolve around him is ‘I hope he knows that he fumbled with me’ or ‘I hope he regrets what he did and it’s eating him alive.’ But I know there’s a big chance he is feeling absolutely no guilt whatsoever right now, and that he’s just moved on. I was just another one.

I think more than ever now I just feel genuine hatred. Well, that’s a strong word but I do definitely hate him. He had so many opportunities to come clean to me, to tell me what he had been doing, to let me go, to give me what I deserved. But he cared more about himself that anything like that. He’s a genuinely bad person.

All I can think about now is how many things he did that I gave him the benefit of the doubt for, how stupid he must’ve thought I was crying in his arms after what he would do to me, believing the bullshit excuses he would come up with on the spot. He must’ve thought I was a fucking clown.

What blows my mind is that when I did something unfaithful to him and came clean to him about it, he could’ve used that opportunity to also come clean to me. To tell me that he had also lied to me and had been lying to me, but he didn’t. He sat there and made me feel like the most terrible person on Earth that I had gone on dates with someone else and gotten with another. He left me on delivered for nearly a week telling me that he ‘needed time to think’ when what I had done that week was only a minuscule example of what he had been doing to me for months.

I think this is the first time that I can genuinely call someone a bad person.

Someone that I hate.

I have no more feelings towards him – that all disappeared a long time ago. I can barely even remember the way he looks now. I try to visualise his face and nothing comes up. I guess that’s a good thing.

Oh well.

So, it’s been basically a whole month since I found out the truth of what R had been doing behind my back for months and months. It feels like it’s been a lot shorter than that, but at the same time feels a lot longer than that.

I feel so fucking free. It’s completely ended and I don’t think I’ll ever see him again in my life, and I’m totally okay with that. Obviously, when I first found out, I completely crashed out. I couldn’t fathom the extent to which he had been lying to me, and couldn’t fathom the idea that all those times I spent with him, he had another girl in his life the entire time. The entire timeline of me and his relationship was full of me constantly making excuses for his suspicious behaviours, seeing the good in him, and continuing to give him the benefit of the doubt even when my gut feeling was telling me to run for the hills.

I saw the absolute best in him because I thought I knew him. But I’ve realised that I don’t think I ever really knew him, and that’s okay.

It was easy for me to detach from him. If you had asked me a couple months ago, I would not even be able to stomach the idea of him not being in my life. And every time things ended with him, every day I would be thinking about him, thinking about how to get him back into my life, and mourning that he wasn’t. But I don’t feel that at all now.

The biggest thing I feel is just freedom to be honest. That’s not because he was controlling or emotionally abusive or anything because he wasn’t, but because I feel like I’m finally free of the unhealthy attachment I had to him. And above all, I can’t believe I stayed with him for so fucking long.

Talking to one of my friends after everything happened, he said something that stuck with me – the ‘sunken cost fallacy’. It basically means that when you’ve put so much into something, people feel that the only option is to see it through, to make sure that something comes of it. But that’s precisely what the fallacy explains. In these situations where you’re putting in more and more, and not gaining anything and losing everything, the best thing to do is leave early and cut your losses. But me being blinded by my attachment to him, I felt like because I was pouring so much into my relationship to him, I just couldn’t leave without seeing it through. That if things didn’t end on a happy ending the past year would’ve been a complete waste of time.

But in saying that, I don’t regret me not leaving the first time he did something fucked up. Well, I guess I do to a certain extent, but I know that if I did leave that very first time, I would still be thinking now ‘man, what could’ve happened?’ As much as it hurt, going back to him was the best thing I could’ve done because I have absolutely no regrets now. I gave him everything I could, poured so much of myself to make him feel special, so when he did what he did, it was easy for me to detach. Because I know I did everything I could’ve possibly done.

I think that’s why it was so easy for me to move on from him as a person. I never grieved him or have had a moment where I thought ‘I miss him’. I genuinely haven’t which I think is a huge blessing. If on top of me trying to piece myself together after the betrayal he did to me was me yearning for him still and missing him, holy fuck I would probably off myself. I don’t know how I would deal with that.

Luckily, I only have to deal with one of those things: piecing myself together and trying to heal. At this point, I feel so free from his clutches. By that I mean, for the first time in a year I don’t have to compromise what I think is special to me. I don’t have to wait until 6pm to get a text from him for the first time that day, don’t have to stay up till past 2am just to talk to him properly, don’t have to deal with constantly questioning his behaviour, don’t have to beg for him to call. It’s so fucking freeing. I don’t think I realised the extent of how much doing all this for him was draining me until I didn’t have to do it anymore. I literally wake up every morning now and just feel so happy that I am not fucking attached to him anymore because fuck me, that shit was brutal.

I feel FREE and I see him objectively now. Hurt people hurt people and no matter what his explanations are for why he did what he did, it’s not my job anymore to use that to justify his actions.

I’ve learnt a lot from my relationship with him.

I’ve learnt to put myself first, to know what I deserve and stand on it, and to stop being so blinded by my emotions at the expense of myself. I lost so much of myself with him.

In saying all that though, him betraying me to the extent that he did has completely affected me as a person. I think it’ll take me a while to fully get over the situation, if I ever do. I’m not too great at analysing myself, but what I’ve noticed now is that no matter how enamoured someone might be by me, a thought that’ll always be in the back of my mind is ‘okay, but how long till they realise I’m not good enough and leave?’, or ‘they don’t actually like me’.

My self esteem has taken a big hit as one would imagine after being lied to for months.

I think I also have started realising that not everyone is a good person. I’ve always been a huge optimist but that clearly hasn’t worked out for me. I thought that if I gave someone my all, they would give me my all. I couldn’t even fathom the idea that people will look at you straight in your eyes and lie, or cheat while feeling little to no guilt. But I now realise that people are capable of anything, and I have to trust my gut. Some people are not good people.

Enough about all of this though, I’ve met a new guy. He couldn’t be more different from R and even though going into it, I looked at him as a rebound, he’s become a lot more than that. I first met him only four days after me and R broke up, which was the week I completely crashed out and was hanging out with guy after guy so I wasn’t alone. Because I knew that if I was alone, I would crash out completely. In that week I slept with two guys, hung out with six, and got drunk more times than I could count. All because I didn’t want to be alone with my thoughts.

In that week was where I met G. At first, I didn’t really think he was too special or anything, but he was tall and cute so I thought ‘hm, this one’s got potential.’ So I didn’t sleep with him the first time we met because he actually had potential to me. I wasn’t gonna treat him like all the other guys I had met that week. God, this makes me sound like a terrible person but whatever.

It’s been three weeks and a half since we met for the first time, and things have moved very quickly. He’s met my friends, I’ve met his friends, his brother, his mum, and have stayed over at his place more times than I can count. He’s gonna ask me out soon too.

I think what I question more than ever though is, do I really like him? Or am I just desperately trying to fill the void that R left? Am I just deathly scared of being alone? Why do I find myself in another relationship a month after my last one ended? What are my intentions with him?

I know that I like him, but I genuinely have no clue what I want from him. I feel like I’m probably not a good person for him but I’m selfish and want him either way.

I think I’m starting to sound like R now. Which is the biggest insult.

Either way, G is good. Better than what I deserve at this point. He makes me feel special, prioritises me, and is just good. He doesn’t confuse me, make me question his intentions, or make me feel insecure – all of which R did.

I just don’t know. I don’t know how to organise my thoughts and that’s not the type of person he deserves. I need to figure out what I want from him, and most importantly, why I want him in my life. Because at this point, I have no clue.

*written on August 14*

This will perhaps be the most insanely memorable entry post I have ever posted. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

Last night, I found out that RJB has been two timing me for the past couple of months. It all started when I saw a picture of him and a girl hung up on his wall, to which he lied to my face about how it was an old picture of him and his ex and how he ‘didn’t know how it got there’. I didn’t believe him, but I tried to forget about it anyway because I loved him and I didn’t want to be alone.

Although, of course, after all that happened I went through his room completely and fully to see if there was anything else that was suspicious. I found that he had hidden a Macbook with the name of a girl (the same girl who’s name was on the Netflix) and it was fully charged and connected to the wifi. I thought that was super suspicious but I didn’t bring it up. On top of that, I found a birthday card he had gotten but I assumed that was a birthday card from a long time ago.

Turns out it was all from her.

I came clean to telling him about me seeing other people last Monday/Tuesday.

I regret doing it and I just wish I did it and never told him. But I did because I was feeling guilty and I hated myself for doing it behind his back. But now I think I’m losing him AND don’t have enough hoes to back me up or distract me enough that it wouldn’t hurt.

It’s been nearly five days since I sent the message admitting to him what I’ve been doing, and five days since he’s been completely silent. No message, no call, nothing.

He texted me after my admission saying “I need time to process” to which I responded saying, “I understand, I’ll be here”. He hasn’t said anything since then. I double texted him 2 days after that just saying “baby…?” and he still hasn’t responded.

It’s driving me crazy.

I know it technically hasn’t been that long since we last talked, but these five days have felt like fucking forever. Like genuinely forever. Not knowing where his head’s at, what he’s doing, whether he’s okay. On top of that, I go back and forth with “fuck him” and “i feel so terrible” and “i miss him.” It’s difficult because he’s fucked up so many times and I’ve forgiven him each time because I don’t want to lose him, but I’ve never forgotten the things he’s done. If that makes sense.

I forgave him, but I find it really difficult moving past things he’s done and it’ll constantly replay in my head over and over again and push me to do certain things I’m not proud of.

I just wish I never told him. I think a big part of me telling him too wasn’t even fuelled by a self-righteous wave of ‘I need to do the right thing’, but it was fuelled by a feeling of ‘I need to hurt him back.’ Which sucks that I’m still constantly putting my ego first. When we had our phone call last Monday, the way we got off the phone reminded me how whenever I’m with him I feel like shit. When he got home, he started saying “baby I’m so tired I want to take a shower and then sleep” and I could tell that he was just saying that because he didn’t want to continue being on the phone. And I got upset all over again.

I think that triggered me telling him.

I just miss him.

I miss talking to him.

It’s been 3 months since I last wrote in here.

Last time I was in Sydney I ended up messaging him. I remember thinking and thinking about it the whole trip until it was the second last night I was there and I figured ‘fuck it’. I texted him: “im in syd, you around?” and I remember when he responded, I was in the middle of a violin lesson with Leah online and seeing his name pop up I nearly screamed.

I remember he had responded a lot more enthusiastically than I had hoped for nor expected. He had sent like five texts back.

I saw him for a night only that trip and we’ve been in contact ever since of course. He actually bought me a flight to come see him for his birthday a week ago and I got back from Sydney last Thursday morning (it’s Tuesday today). Things have been… weird.

A lot of things have changed.

He fucked up again big time last trip.

I caught him with dating apps on his phone again. Second time this has happened. Everything on the trip was going completely fine and things were great and cool until we were at the tyre shop trying to install his new tyres and we were watching TikTok’s on his phone. He swipes out of the app and low and behold, first thing I see is his dating app folder on his phone with both Hinge and Bumble downloaded.

I forgave him. Like an idiot.

He just makes me feel like shit, you know? He’s been with so many other girls, had so many ex girlfriends, and all these girls in his life are all hot as well. He’s told me that “most his exes were models” so he has really high standards or whatever.

I don’t think he’s that physically attracted to me. That’s how he makes me feel. I went to Sydney to spend time with him, whole time he’s basically just on his phone or watching some YouTube video. We don’t do anything together. I know he has work and I know that he does things, but we don’t do anything during the day together. He doesn’t plan anything, doesn’t want to take me out for fancy dinner. Nothing.

I just felt like some disregarded rag half the time. He’s on his phone constantly. He also has this other girl constantly messaging him updating him about her day, he’s sending her love hearts telling her they’ll talk tomorrow, she’s sending her vlogs too; it doesn’t help that she’s super pretty as well.

I’m just

I need to leave him. I know I do. But I don’t know why his validation is all that I crave. No matter who all these other guys are and why they offer me, the only person I crave or whose opinion I care about is his. I want him to find me attractive, to want to take me out, to care about me, etc. I don’t know why either.

I know he doesn’t care about me. The only reason he keeps me around is because he likes the way I make him feel. I make him feel less lonely, I’m a warm body to snuggle at night, and I’m someone that makes him feel less alone. I’m not some hot arm candy that he’d want or that I guess he’d be used to. Even when we’re out in public, he’ll still be on his phone. Anytime we do fucking anything.

Always scrolling.

I hate the way he makes me feel.