Uh, hi. So, I’m back. Again.
I always end up forgetting I’ve got this blog (if you can even call it that) up here open for anyone to read. It feels awfully invasive on some levels, but it’s what I signed myself up for so I have no complaints.
It would actually be super cool if someone read these and talked to me. Idk. Maybe we’d even become friends.
Well, it’s been another month since I wrote in here. It feels like it’s been much shorter and it scares me how fast time has been flying. It scares me shitless, man. I don’t even know how to deal with any of this, any of these feelings.
I’ve been feeling kind of confused this past month. For one, I had a ‘fight’ with two of my friends a few weeks ago. It was about the stupidest thing, want to guess what it was about? It was about a pair of socks. SOCKS. I mean, seriously Hannah? Something’s fucking wrong with me. Ever since then, it’s been pretty tense with one of my friends I fought with. The other one I’m fine with because we both apologised for getting too heated, but with Mala (that’s just her name scrambled together), there’s still an underlying tension that I don’t think will ever go away. I’m not too bothered though. It’s what it is.
I think something’s wrong with me, though. Possibly a bipolar disorder. Possibly I’m just overreacting but I have constant weird bouts of anger and sadness that come so quickly after each other that I don’t have time to even blink. It’s like second nature to me and that scares the shit out of me. Could that be bipolar disorder? Fuck.
I honestly just hate myself. I hate myself so fucking much dude. So so so so so so much. You know what the funny thing is, though? To another person, they would never guess that. I put on this weird self-centred act where I appear to me egotistical and stuck up, but little do they know I’m the furthest from that anyone could ever get.
I think it’s a coping mechanism for me. It seems less real – my issues I mean.
I don’t know, man. I’m just stressed. Stressed about my upcoming AMUS violin exam, my future, my grades, my friends, my family, just EVERYTHING. It’s like a dark rain cloud constantly hovering over me like a little bitch. I can’t do anything about it. I just have to learn to cope with it, I guess.
But back to the topic of hating myself, I really do. Like, I know a lot of people just say it because it’s a ‘quirky teen’ type of thing, but lol, I genuinely can’t stress how much I really really fucking hate myself.
I hate how I act, I hate how sometimes I can be the biggest bitch ever, I hate how I make people feel, I hate the way I laugh, I hate the way I look, I hate the way I’m never truly myself, I hate the way I’m so conscious about everything I do, I hate how I care so much about what other people think of me, I hate how I always feel like I’m not good enough, I hate how I treat my friends like shit, I hate how I treat my family like shit, I hate how I’m a lazy piece of shit, I hate how I’m dumb, I hate how I have such big mood swings that put everyone in a bad mood, I hate the way my body looks, I hate the way I’m always daydreaming to get out of the reality of my own life, I hate the way I constantly compare myself to other people in every single way, I hate how I never try in anything, I hate how I know I could do great but I never can be bothered to try to, I hate how I’m so fucking self-absorbed sometimes, I hate how selfish I can be, I hate how sensitive I am, I hate how I always try to fit in yet preach that people who do that are losers, I hate how I’m not actually good at anything, I hate how ignorant I am, I hate how I’m fake, I hate how snakey I can be sometimes, I hate how sometimes I think the world revolves around me, I hate how I conform to how everyone wants me to be like, I hate how disorganised I am, I hate how my legs look, I hate how my nose looks, I hate my face shape, I hate my fingers, I hate my toes, I hate how flabby my stomach is, I hate I always lie to people so I’m put in a good light, I hate how I have no concept of money, I hate how I have no sense of reality, I hate that I can’t recall one time in my life where I’ve genuinely put 100% into anything I did, I hate how I don’t practice, I hate how I think everyone thinks I’m cool, I hate always wanting to be cool, I hate the way I get upset and withdraw myself after one joke someone makes about me, I hate how hyper I can get, I hate my loud voice, I hate how low my voice is, I hate the way I don’t truly appreciate anything, I hate how I cope with things, I hate the way I take advantage of people, I hate how easily angered I become, I hate the way I act when I’m angry, I hate how my voice sounds so violent sometimes, I hate the way I embarrass myself, I hate the way I embarrass other people, I hate the way that even though I have everything I could possibly ever want or need at the tip of my fingers, I still ask for more, I hate me.
I hate me.