Entry 45

I came clean to telling him about me seeing other people last Monday/Tuesday.

I regret doing it and I just wish I did it and never told him. But I did because I was feeling guilty and I hated myself for doing it behind his back. But now I think I’m losing him AND don’t have enough hoes to back me up or distract me enough that it wouldn’t hurt.

It’s been nearly five days since I sent the message admitting to him what I’ve been doing, and five days since he’s been completely silent. No message, no call, nothing.

He texted me after my admission saying “I need time to process” to which I responded saying, “I understand, I’ll be here”. He hasn’t said anything since then. I double texted him 2 days after that just saying “baby…?” and he still hasn’t responded.

It’s driving me crazy.

I know it technically hasn’t been that long since we last talked, but these five days have felt like fucking forever. Like genuinely forever. Not knowing where his head’s at, what he’s doing, whether he’s okay. On top of that, I go back and forth with “fuck him” and “i feel so terrible” and “i miss him.” It’s difficult because he’s fucked up so many times and I’ve forgiven him each time because I don’t want to lose him, but I’ve never forgotten the things he’s done. If that makes sense.

I forgave him, but I find it really difficult moving past things he’s done and it’ll constantly replay in my head over and over again and push me to do certain things I’m not proud of.

I just wish I never told him. I think a big part of me telling him too wasn’t even fuelled by a self-righteous wave of ‘I need to do the right thing’, but it was fuelled by a feeling of ‘I need to hurt him back.’ Which sucks that I’m still constantly putting my ego first. When we had our phone call last Monday, the way we got off the phone reminded me how whenever I’m with him I feel like shit. When he got home, he started saying “baby I’m so tired I want to take a shower and then sleep” and I could tell that he was just saying that because he didn’t want to continue being on the phone. And I got upset all over again.

I think that triggered me telling him.

I just miss him.

I miss talking to him.