Entry 10

So I’m back. It’s been a while since I’ve updated on this blog for two consecutive days straight… well, here it is (even though no one was even asking for it lmao).

I’ve started doing like 15 minutes of mindfulness in the morning with music playing and just sitting down with my back to the concrete wall.

It’s so relaxing, dude. Like, you’ve gotta try it.

I do it in front of my pool and my neighbour has these like long plants (when I saw long, I mean looooooooong – they’re higher than my fence lol) and when the wind blows, they make an awfully relaxing sound. I’m not even sure how to describe it.

Anyway, update on the whole Thane situation (go back to entry 8 if you want the context of it), yesterday he only texted me once and then didn’t text me back until like 8 this morning.

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Entry 9

To my friend, Anjana.

She doesn’t know this site. She’ll probably never read this. But, I want her to know that I really appreciate her. I honestly probably wouldn’t be able to get through high school without her.

She’s everything I’m not.

She’s always herself no matter who she’s talking to, she doesn’t bow down to those that are above her, she is the most kind-hearted and sweet person I know. She may not seem like it on the outside, but on the inside, she genuinely wants the best for everyone.

The thing is, she’s been screwed over so many times by people. I hate that.

I’m not sure if she values our friendship as much as I value ours though which makes me a little sad, but it’s not a big deal.

I’m not sure, I just feel like she doesn’t place me in as high of a regard that I put her on. I just respect her a lot and I would trust her with my life deadass.

I’m not sure where this is all coming from but I guess I’m just feeling super reflective and I never really realised how much Anjana influences my life in the best way and how much of a stable figure she is in my life.

Anjana’s one of those people that you will only meet once in your whole life. I really don’t think I’ll meet anyone else like her again.

She’s a life-long friend to me.

Even if aren’t talking in 10 years from now, I’ll always call her my best friend. Always.

My kids will definitely hear about her and I’ll always refer to her as a role model they should have. She’s kind and compassionate, genuine, humorous, and always unashamedly herself.

Thanks for everything, Anjana. I truly appreciate it.

Entry 8

Hey guys, so it’s been exactly a month since I last wrote on here… sorry. It’s been pretty eventful to say the least.

I’ve started talking to this guy called Thane (that’s his name scrambled). He goes to the all boys school across from my school and even though I’ve known him since like grade 8 or 9, we’ve only really started talking now for some reason.

It all started at semi (which in Australia is like a school dance thingy in grade 11). He was acting as my ‘wingman’ to hook me up with this dude called Dacmus (again, that’s not really his name but I’m gonna keep that private lmao) that I really liked, though, I came to realise that I never really liked Dacmus. Yes, I was attracted to him, but in terms of actually liking him? Nah.

The thing with Thane is that he’s literally the male version of me. He likes memes way too much, he uses emojis ironically, he calls people ‘hunty’, he has a meme page, he uses reaction memes too, etc. I could literally go on and on.

I think the reason me and Thane blend so well is because we’re both HEAVILY involved with memes. Like, heavily. We love them.

Here’s the thing though. I’m not sure if he likes me like THAT, or like that. If you kind of get what I mean. Like what I’m trying to say is, I’m not sure if he likes me romantically, or platonically.

I guess that’s me too though. I’m not even sure where my feelings lie either. I mean, you’d think that I liked him romantically because every time he texts me I get butterflies and get all excited, but I’m just not sure, you know? Idk how to explain it.

I need to see him face to face. On text it’s so easy to overanalyse and overthink the shit someone sends, and most importantly, it’s so easy to miscommunicate through text.

Idk.

I’m so confused.

But see, my friend Jess told me that she thinks he likes me platonically, but it’s just at Semi, we were so buddy buddy with each other. Comparing our biceps, touching each other when we really had no reason to, talking face to face (IN CLOSE PROXIMITY), and constantly laughing and talking to each other. I can’t fucking even pin point what it was about that night that made me feel all giddy but every time I think of that night, I think of Thane. Not even that Dacmus guy.

And see, me and Thane have been talking non stop every single day ever since then, and semi was the Saturday before the last, so we’ve been talking for kind of a long time. Even though it’s only been like 2 weeks since then, talking every day for 2 weeks is kind of a big deal in my books. Especially since none of it’s small talk, it’s all banter and jokes. Idk how to explain it. Like, no one initiates the conversation because the conversations are always just continuing on from the night before.

But recently, he’s been taking a lot longer in replying to me. Even though it’s normally only like an hour or two, he used to reply to me a lot quicker. As in, it was always before 30 minutes (normally), and the gap of an hour would be like the max that both of us would go without talking to each other.

It’s all very confusing.

Boys are so fucking clueless and fucked.

Like, he sends me so many mixed messages. He’ll kind of insinuate that he likes me, but then, another text he sends will kind of insinuate friendship.

It’s hard to explain.

I don’t fucking have time for this shit but he just HAD to slide into my life at this moment.

He still hasn’t fucking replied yet either!! WTF? It’s been like an hour?!

I mean, sure, I get that he could be doing a lot of things right now. He could be showering, doing his homework, eating dinner, etc. But if he really liked me, wouldn’t he put me above his other things? I would be his priority?

It’s just so mixed. His indications are so unclear to me.

Even my friends are having trouble reading what he’s actually feeling and what he feels towards me.

I really want to see him in real life. Because in real life, I feel like is the only way to actually know how he feels about me. On text, the messages he sends are carefully constructed and he can easily change them anytime, but in real life? Nah. There’s no such thing as ‘editing’.

I’m just super conflicted and I don’t know what to do or how to feel. This literally feels like a roller coaster of emotions.

Maybe he’s getting tired of me? He used to send me these memes he would find and send them to me to make me laugh or something but he doesn’t do that anymore.

I guess I just feel like his overall persona on text has changed and his texts have almost become drier???? Idk how to explain it.

Maybe he’s not actually interested and he sees me as a friend and I’ve been overthinking this shit way too much.

Maybe I think he’s a friend and the false version of him that I’ve constructed in my brain is the one convincing myself that I actually like him romantically.

Who knows.

He’s just perfect. Actually no, he’s not. No one is. But I’ve just never met someone so compatible in terms of humour, interests, etc.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings.

I feel like I’m gonna get hurt and I really don’t want to get hurt.

It’s the last thing I need.

Anyway, I’ve written too much, I think I’m gonna go now.

Until next time, Stranger.

Entry 7

Hello everyone. Today has been, well, a rollercoaster of emotions.

It was pretty much a normal day until I was getting ready to leave to go to my music theory teacher’s house and I look at my friend’s story and see that she posted about Cameron Boyce’s death. At first I thought it was like a meme or something because, I mean, in no way shape or form could I have ever imagined that he would die so young. He was only 20.

So, I text her saying ‘lame meme’ but then go to my group chat and realise that they’re all crying about his death. At this point I’m starting to consider that this shit is serious. I literally froze at the top of the stairs trying to see if it was real or not because fuck, this dude was my childhood crush and literally shaped my childhood and if he was gone I wouldn’t know what to do.

I go to his Instagram and go to his latest post. I go into the comments and see everyone commenting ‘RIP’ or things along the lines of that. I nearly drop my phone.

Ever since that moment I’ve been in disbelief. I didn’t even know him at all I just knew him from the internet, yet, I’m still here mourning and crying over his death. I can’t imagine what his family is going through right now.

It all kind of made me think though.

Anyone can die at any time at any place. Cameron died in his sleep due to a seizure but I bet he never saw it coming. He kind of just, died. That could happen to anyone and that fucking scares me.

I don’t want to just ‘die’. Not when I haven’t lived anyway.

It puts everything in perspective. Things that I thought were really important are suddenly not important anymore when it goes on the weigher of what’s actually giving me happiness and what isn’t.

I want to live so bad.

But I’m scared it’ll all be taken from me in an instant.

I’m scared, man.

I’m scared.

Entry 6

Hey, stranger. I’m back.

The last time I wrote in this blog was a month and 5 days ago, on the 1st of June. Now it’s the 6th of July, lol. So, yeah, it’s been a while.

Nothing overwhelming has happened, though. My birthday was probably the only important thing to have happened. Not that I’m saying that my birthday is important because it really isn’t. I kind of just got depressed on my birthday because I’m getting older. I know it’s silly to be saying that when I’m only 16 but damn dude, I’m running out of time to try to get my shit together. By shit, it’s a metaphor for my life. My life = shit. Metaphorically, I guess. Sometimes not. Sometimes yes.

Ages ago in my second entry (I think?) I talked about my friend Anjana. My best friend. Though, not so sure if she still is my ‘best friend’. Actually, no. I take that back. She’s still my best friend but I guess I get weird vibes from her now.

I haven’t seen in her, what, 3 weeks now? I’m on school holidays and she was in Canada for the entire last week of school last term so yeah, I’d say it’s been three weeks. It’s not that we haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks that’s bothering me though. It’s the fact that now that she’s been back in Australia for like a week and a half or even two weeks, I’ve been messaging her if to hang out. But see, during school we had already been planning meeting up a lot on the holidays to get our YouTube channel kickstarted. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. A YouTube channel? Who the fuck do you think you guys are? But yes, we are thinking of making a YouTube channel. The channel’s name we decided would be ‘This Actually Matters’ which is kind of fitting because we want to make our videos about global issues, bringing awareness to the issues that the media doesn’t talk about. Issues that the media doesn’t cover because they’re too busy writing about Kim Kardashian’s latest butt lift. That’s aside from the point though.

We’d talked a lot about what kind of videos we would make, hell, we’ve already recorded our first ‘Introductory’ video, if you can ever call it that. We had agreed that we would make videos a lot over the holidays, which, naturally means that we both had an agreement that we would meet up at each other’s houses and start this shit.

Well, I’ve been contacting her about hanging out and she replies giving valid dates which I guess is good. It’s after that which is where it goes south. We’d FaceTime and I’d give her a date that I’m free to come over to my house so we can start recording and she’d agree with that date, telling me she’d be there. But then, I’ll contact her again and she’ll tell me she can’t. This has happened on multiple occasions.

Like, this shit isn’t just exclusive to this holidays. Last holidays, I invited her to come over to my house just to hang out and she said she’d be there. Obviously, I expected her to actually be at my house that day because she’d told me she was coming. But the day of, it was like 10 minutes after the time we had arranged to meet up and she still wasn’t here. So I called her, she didn’t pick up. Now it was like 30 minutes after the arranged time, so I texted her asking where the hell she was. Literally, two hours later, she texts me saying ‘sorry, I don’t think I can come because my mum doesn’t know the way to your house’. At that point, I was just mad. I was mad as fuck. I told her that her mum could just use a navigation but then she replied saying that her mum didn’t trust it.

It honestly sounded like she was trying to get out of hanging out with me and I was a little hurt. At this point, she had wasted my time waiting for her when I could’ve gone out to lunch with my family who had already left. I didn’t confront her though. Whenever I confront her, she always victimises herself and makes me feel like a piece of shit. She always makes me feel like my feelings aren’t valid because she’s in a more vulnerable position than me.

I’ve told my other friends about her behaviour and they all told me to get the fuck away from her lol. They told me (and they still tell me) that she’s a toxic person in my life, and that all she was doing was making me feel like a piece of shit. Which, is true sometimes but mostly on rare occasions. The thing is though, I fight for her with every fibre of my being whenever my friends talk about her. Because truth be told, deep down I know she is kind of a toxic person in my life, but, whenever she’s nice and happy she’s a really great friend and I don’t want to lose that. She’s the only person I ever see myself confiding in.

I guess it’s just frustrating to me because I’ve defended her honour in front of numerous people warning me about her and her destructive behaviour and I don’t really get anything back in return. That’s where this whole not willing to hang out with me and sort out dates comes in.

I just feel like I’ve given up so much to be friends with her and she just doesn’t understand that.

I guess there’s also a little part of me that’s hurt about it too. Like, it’s not like she’s super busy either because she’s hanging out with other people and it’s just a little blow to my dignity lol. I’m not the sort of person to always be texting them asking to hang out but I just think it’s unfair and wounding that this has all been very much a one-sided thing.

Anyways, that’s it for me now. Peace out.

Until next time.

Entry 5

Hi, again.

I’m back haha. It’s been a while (again).

Uh, I haven’t really had time to write in this. It’s been crazy with assignments and tests at school. It hasn’t been the best time for me but oh well, school’s like that to everyone. Well, mostly everyone.

My life has pretty much been a complete rollercoaster. These past few weeks have gone by so quickly and not exactly because I’ve ‘enjoyed them so much that time has flown by’. It’s been average.

What I mean by that is that it’s been pretty sad. I’ve pulled so many all-nighters and had a few mental breakdowns lmao.

Anyway, moving on from all of that, I’m having a really good day today 🙂 It’s a relaxing Saturday and right now I’m writing this with music on, lying besides my pool. The sky is so blue and the weather is just right.

I love life.

Entry 4

Hey… so, it’s been a little over a month or two since I’ve last written on this blog. It’s been a while. Though, I guess it doesn’t really matter because the only person that reads these entries are me lol. What a sad life.

Life has been pretty uneventful. For starters, I’ve started getting into Wattpad a lot, well, ever since I was young I’ve been reading books on Wattpad (since 2015) but only recently did I come across the forum part to it. I’ve made some friends there and it’s honestly really fun, though, once I got swept up into all of that I kind of lost that reader connection I had with Wattpad but I’m starting to get off the forums more and read a lot more nowadays. Well, today.

I’ve also kind of figured out what I want to do. The courses I want to do, that is. Once I get to University. I’m thinking a double degree with Law and Arts. By Arts, I don’t mean visual art like Vincent Van Gogh or whatever, I mean like International relations and political science. I know what you’re thinking. It’s nerdy, I know. But to get into the job I want to get into, those are the courses that set me up perfectly.

If you didn’t know already, I want to be part of the UN. The United Nations. It’s my ultimate dream. Well actually, I’m not sure it is. All I know is that I really want to help people; I’m really passionate about humanitarian work. Whenever there’s a discussion in my friend group, or a discussion anywhere, I’m talking.

But see, I haven’t looked into it as much as I would’ve liked to. I mean, sure, I really should but it’s so hard because I can’t just search up ‘What are good places to have humanitarian work’ because that’s way too broad. I’ve also gone to see my school’s career planning people and they’re no help whatsoever. So that’s that gone.

Oh well. I’ll see where my life takes me.

Also, recent revelation, I want to live in Hawaii. Well, to be fair, I want to live anywhere but Australia. For me, Australia has never been my home. Yes, I live here, but apart from my friends and my family, there’s nothing for me here. I’m not drawn to it. So, I used to want to live in New York. But then I’ve been to New York several times and it’s just too busy for me. Too hectic. I mean, the suburb’s are nice but I can see myself getting sick of it really quickly.

Why I want to live in Hawaii? Well, my answer is kind of invalid but it’s still an answer nonetheless. There’s a Youtube family channel called The Bucketlist Family and basically they travel EVERYWHERE but they finally settled down for a house in Hawaii. The view is just amazing, I’m telling you right now, if I woke up with that view every morning I would die a happy woman. I wouldn’t need anything else for me.

They live right in front of the ocean and it’s such a crystal blue. They’ve got palm trees and a nice green lawn in front of the ocean and a hammock. In their backyard video, it showed the sunset and oh my god, it was just beautiful. It was so beautiful. I can imagine me, my husband and my children living there in the future.

It’s my ‘goal’ home. The home that once I live in, once I see that stunning view of the ocean every morning, I’ll know that I made it. My life is complete. I’m happy.

But see, I’m not sure how Hawaii really is. I mean, sure, everyone knows Hawaii to be that laid back and chill place with tropical waters and trees. Lovely. But is that what it really is? It’s like when I went to Paris. I thought it would be a lot more beautiful than it was but it really wasn’t. The Eiffel tower wasn’t as cool in person, the buildings weren’t as cool in person and the streets weren’t as cool in person. It was kind of a disappointment I guess.

Maybe just because I’ve spent my whole life swooning over Paris. Swooning over the cafes, the Eiffel tower, the shops and boy, the baguettes. I dreamed about the fashion, the bouréts, everything like that. The Eiffel tower was everywhere for me. On my ruler, on some of my shirts, on my wall. But then once I actually got to Paris, it was like, oh. The sky’s actually grey, and honestly, it’s all kind of gloomy. The shops weren’t as cool as they looked in the pictures, the streets weren’t as pristine and clean as they were in pictures. The people weren’t as stylish as they were in the pictures. I love Paris though, don’t get me wrong. I can hardly even believe I’ve been to Paris. It just sounds so weird because I feel like Paris is such an iconic place that everyone wants to visit so once you’ve actually visited, it’s like, what now?

Anyways, that was just a bit of a rant. Moving on.

I’m in a bit of a shamble. See, I got an A+ on my English assignment last year but I feel like it wasn’t my work. I basically copied my essay with my friend from Grade 12 who got good marks on it and put it into my own words. And then the presentation was just an oral so it’s easy to get good marks. But my parents and everyone were so happy that I got an A+ because usually I’m not one to get the best marks and they told everyone. So now everyone in my family is in a bit of a high and congratulating me. It’s pressure.

It’s pressure that I didn’t want. Yes, I love the attention and applause they give me. But now, I’ve got to live up to it. I’ve got to maintain it. Or else, they’ll all be so disappointed. They’ll all be so dejected. I can’t have that; I don’t want to have that.

I’ll have to try hard. But I’m lazy. That’s the thing. I’m probably the biggest procrastinator in the world and I never do SHIT. I leave things to the last minute, regret it, tell myself I’ll be organised for the rest of my life, and from the next day, I’m back to my procrastinating antics. It’s bad, I know. But I don’t know how to fix it. I literally don’t know how to be organised.

Organisation has just never been one of my strong points. Never. It’s always been rushed for me, I don’t ever remember a time I’ve been organised. Really. I can’t even imagine myself being organised. It’s just physically impossible at this point.

Whatever, though. It doesn’t really bother me. I mean, it does, but I know that if I put in hard work I can fix it.

You know what though? I don’t know if I’ve ever done something and put 100% of my hard work in it. NEVER. Well, I don’t recall anyways. I’ve never put in 100% for any of my tests and assignments for school. There’s always some part of it that’s lacking because I kind of gave up.

That’s bad. That’s a really bad quality of mine. Giving up. If I can’t do it, if I don’t want to do it, if I have no motivation to do it, I won’t do it. I’ll give up. I’ll leave it and go pursue something else just to leave that too.

It’s just one big endless cycle for me. Picking something new, do it for a while, get bored of it, it soon becomes a chore more than a fun activity, then I drop it. You get the gist. Now imagine that, and times it by 10000000. What you get is me. That’s me.

Anyway, I’ve said a lot. Typing on the keyboard weirdly gets all my thoughts out. I don’t even remember what I said honestly. Once I start writing, I’m a goner. My brain flies at unimaginable speed and I just write what comes to my mind first. It’s good I’m a touch typer lol.

See you next time!