I booked my flights to go to Sydney from this Wednesday to next Wednesday. I’m excited.

My parents got super mad at me and I’m frustrated about it. I understand why they’re concerned because obviously I go to Sydney really often but I just – idk.

I understand that if was my parent I would also feel the same kinda way about me going to Syd so often but I just want to go. And I understand that I can’t always do what I want to do but I’m young and it’s my money. I get that I shouldn’t be going so often and should be focussing on getting a job or something but I can’t help it. I genuinely fucking love Sydney.

I

Two entries in a day!!!! Who is this!!!!!!

I’m sitting at New Farm Park right now and it’s a really beautiful day. Blue skies and a really nice wind.

I’ve realised that I’ve scrapped my laptop so I’m kind of sad about that but whatever. I’ll just get a laptop case that covers it LOL.

I’ve been thinking a lot about R and I think I’ve finally reached a level of acceptance about it. I’m realising that although I do care about him and I do like him and I worry about him, I think the reason I’m so hesitant to let him go is because the thought of being by myself again scares me. For the past few months or so he’s always kind of been there, you know? Someone to text, someone to call, someone to keep me company I guess.

It distracted me.

By thinking about him I didn’t have to think about the bigger issues at play which is: what do I want to do with my future? Who am I? What type of career do I want to have?

He was just a distraction to the fact that I hated being alone.

He’s okay with it though. He’s a super independent guy who doesn’t really need anyone. He’s okay being by myself and so he never had this emotional codependency on me like I did with him. It’s the same way I was with Liv and other people I knew in Canberra. I put an emotional codependency on them because I didn’t want to be alone.

But it’s okay to be alone!!!

And I’m realising this!

Maybe tonight will come around and I’ll revert back to fuckk I miss him and maybe I’ll text him again, I don’t know. I hope I don’t know.

I feel really at peace right now.

I think I hole myself up in my room so much that I just start thinking way too fucking much. ABOUT EVERYTHING. I just continue thinking and thinking and because I don’t really have any hobbies or anything really, I have so much free time on my hands that all I do is fucking THINK.

I start making problems out of non-problems, start analysing situations that shouldn’t be analysed.. I just ‘deep things’ too much (as Anjana would say HAHA).

It’s exhausting living like this and I really don’t want to live like this either. I have to learn to be okay with myself, you know?

I should start taking myself out on cute dates like this more often and actually getting out of my room haha. And journaling more.

I love journaling it clears my head up so much.

I do still miss R though. I miss him. I’m not too sure whether it’s him I miss or the attention and the presence of him, but I know that I miss him.

I told myself that I would text him asking if he was okay, but I think then I’d really be clingy lol. Him not responding or saying anything to my call is answer enough and more importantly, closure enough.

I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for him though. I know he hurts sometimes and I know he struggles internally (more than he likes to admit). I don’t regret anything I did though. No matter what he’s going through the bottom line is that he couldn’t give me what I wanted. I never asked for him to call me 24/7 nor was I nagging him to always text me or stuff like that. Though, I guess maybe in his perspective that was what I was doing.

I don’t know.

All I know is he couldn’t do that for me, and couldn’t change even when I’d asked him to do something several times. In fact he told me himself: “maybe it’s selfish but I can’t really do that. The only time I can really text or talk is after work.” I just saw that as, he wasn’t willing to sacrifice his precious time (the time he has after work is not his precious time it’s just dead time) to talk to me, even when it was clear that was all I wanted.

Same goes for when he set the time to call on Wednesday 12AM. Keep in mind, Wednesday is his off day he doesn’t have work that whole day. Yet, the time he said to call was 12am. I think because he’s so independent and because he’s so self-sufficient and has been his whole life, it’s made him super unwilling to compromise his time.

But I want a guy that will want to do that for me.

He said himself: “I just feel numb all the time, I think that’s why I’ve been unlucky in my relationships” and I really think he hit the nail on the hammer lol. That’s exactly what it is. He is so emotionally unavailable that he just cannot, I guess, compromise on himself. He would repeatedly say in our calls too that he didn’t really see the point in facing his emotions. He just keeps pushing them down because in his mind, that’s the only way to go forward. He just doesn’t address anything.

I almost feel bad for him. The fact that he hasn’t processed any of his emotions shows lol. He just keeps going and going. I legit asked him, “did your ex girlfriends never say anything about that?” meaning, his lack of talking about emotions and whatever and all this man says is “not really, they would get the ick if I did.”

I thought that was crazy

And I told him that. I legit said “why the fuck would your girlfriend get the ick of you opening up and talking about your emotions?” And he was just like “as a man you have to be a provider” and yada yada yada basically insinuating that by talking about his emotions, he would seem weak and unable to ‘provide’ or whatever stupid shit.

I couldn’t handle it though. He would open up to me a lot and tell me about things, but still he was emotionally idk.

I can’t even say distant because he would talk to me about what he was struggling with, how he felt constantly burnt out, and stuff like that, but idk.

I have to learn to be okay without him.

I have to stop constantly wondering whether he cared, whether he ever wanted me, whatever. All I have to concern myself with is this: if he did cared, he didn’t care enough for my standards. If he did want me, he didn’t show this enough for me to feel stable with him. I think it’s inevitable for anyone going through heartbreak to wonder and wonder how the person feels about them or felt about them, why they act the way they do, why they acted the way they did before the ‘breakup’. But in reality, it’s really not important is it.

The truth is, I will always think about him fondly. Yes, he treated me like shit, yes, I don’t think he ever cared about me the way I did for him; but at the end of the day, he will always be special to me.

I will never know what his intentions were or where his head was at when we were talking. I know he wanted us to be together and I know he wanted a relationship with me, but it was always on his convenience. I get everything he’s said about long distance relationships and how it’s difficult to get in one before establishing a close in person relationship with each other (which is why he wanted me to move to Syd so we could be together) but I don’t know.

He’d never made plans to see me in Brisbane and I think he just saw me as someone who would maybe always be there? Since I come to Sydney so often and I see him, I guess he didn’t think he really needed to put in that effort. Cos I was doing it all.

It’s whatever.

Maybe I’ll text him and ask if he’s okay, and if he doesn’t reply that’s that.

I’m okay without him.

I’m okay without him.

I’ll move on.

I’m struggling a lot.

I’m struggling because I have no clue what my future looks like, I’m unhappy with myself, and I don’t have any good habits.

I’m also heartbroken. Incredibly heartbroken.

I think it’s difficult because everyone tells me the same thing about him: “you deserve better, he doesn’t care, he’s a shitty guy, block his number…” etc etc. And don’t get me wrong, all those things above are true. I do deserve better, he doesn’t care the way I want him to care, and more importantly, he’s not right for me.

Someone that was right for me wouldn’t be causing me all this pain, suffering, and turmoil. Someone that was right for me wouldn’t make me feel wrong for letting them in my life again. Someone that was right for me wouldn’t make me question his intentions, question his feelings, and well, question everything about him.

But no matter how much I tell myself that, I can’t for the fucking life of me, stop thinking about him. I can’t stop worrying about him. Wanting to hear his voice all the time. Wanting to know whether he’s eating well or sleeping enough, whether his new job has come through, whether he’s OK.

I can’t fucking stop.

And I know I deserve better, my GOD I know I deserve better. But for some reason, I don’t care what I deserve as long as he’s in my life some way or another.

It’s stupid, I know.

I lack self love and self worth. I guess because I’ve never really had feelings this deep for someone before, I feel like what I felt for him I won’t feel for anyone else. Which is bullshit, yes I know. I have to learn to be OK with being by myself, and learn to realise that my worth doesn’t come from him. That it’s OK to not have him in my life.

But I guess no matter how much I say this, putting it into the works is a whole another thing. The problem with me has never been a lack of self-awareness (in fact, I feel like sometimes I’m TOO aware of myself), the problem has been a complete inability to take this self-awareness and put it into action. I’ve never been an action person and that’s something about me that needs to change. I know what it is I’m feeling and I know what I’m feeling is wrong, I also know why I feel like this and what the root cause is, but I have no clue how to change it.

I know people tell me all the time, “you’ve just got to learn to love yourself. You’ve gotta learn to base your self worth on nothing but yourself. Everything else is unimportant.”

But the question remains: how do I get there?

Is it even possible to change the way I think when I’ve been like this my entire life? I’ve never loved myself; in fact, it’s always been quite the opposite. I’ve always hated myself. I think I’m annoying, loud, and obnoxious. I don’t think I’m pretty at all, I actually think I’m quite ugly. Like a pig wearing makeup.

Because of this, I have always chased short term validations. Compliments, male validation, etc. And when I get them, life feels great… for a little while. Then I revert back to square one, and I’m chasing the next hit of dopamine. It’s like an addict. Except in replacement of meth and a coke spoon, it’s compliments. Because if I don’t get them, I’ll think I’m ugly. When really what’s important is the way I view myself.

I need to stop basing what other people think of me as Bible and I need to stop thinking that my self worth is based exclusively on other people’s perceptions of me.

I think that’s why this whole thing with R has hit me so hard. When he wouldn’t do the things he told me he would do, I took that as ‘I’m annoying and he doesn’t want to talk to me.’ I took it as, ‘she’s not pretty enough for me to be putting in this effort, nor is she worth it. So why should I?’

I know that that’s just me overthinking and I know he doesn’t really think that, but I guess I see his lack of care in me as a problem to do with me. He doesn’t care about me because he doesn’t think I’m worth it. He doesn’t care about me because I’m not hot enough.

Whatever.

I know I shouldn’t think this way but again, the problem has never been a lack of self-awareness, but a lack of a willingness to change.

I used to think that the only reason I kept wanting to continue with R was because I craved the feeling of his care. I wanted his validation and I wanted to know that he liked me. That was it. I’m realising now that – although, this is a big part of it – I do and did genuinely really fucking like him. Yes, there was a big aspect of wanting his validation, but I also really fucking care about him. As a person.

I want him to be okay and I want him to be happy. I know how he struggles and I want to be there for him. I guess there’s also a thing of: I want to fix him lol. I know I shouldn’t think that way, but seeing an emotionally unavailable guy who’s hurting, who has bad habits… I want to FIX him.

I think I just tell myself that my care for him has to do with these things, but bottom line is, I do fucking care about him. Regardless of everything else.

And I miss him.

Incredibly.

I know I ended things with him because I knew that I deserved better, but for fuck’s sake, I wanted HIM to be better for me. I don’t want anyone else if it’s not him. I ended things for good reason. The one thing, the ONE THING, that I wanted him to do which was to call me, he couldn’t even do without me asking. He had told me he would, he had told me he would call on Wednesday, but then didn’t.

Then when I called him and said I couldn’t do this anymore, he just sighed as if I was just going off again. Going on an emotional rollercoaster again. And I told him “you make me feel crazy, like my feelings aren’t valid” because all he would do would be sit there and be silent. No apologies, no nothing.

Then the next day after that phone call, he had acted like absolutely nothing was wrong. As if I hadn’t just told him the night before that I couldn’t do this anymore. He texted me replying to my past message (which I sent HOURS before that phone call) acting like NOTHING HAD HAPPENED. I guess maybe he had took that phone call as ‘alright Hannah’s overthinking again, she’s overreacting again, she’s being emotional again.’ When in reality, all I wanted was for him to call and I was just upset because he couldn’t even keep his promise for calling at a certain time that HE SET.

But for some god awful reason, I still miss him.

I miss him like crazy.

He treats me like shit, he doesn’t even really give me the bare minimum, and yet I still can’t get over him. I keep wanting to go back to him, wanting to hear his voice, wanting him to be here with me.

Why am I like this?

He clearly thinks it’s okay for him to treat me like this because he doesn’t think I’ll ever leave, but for some reason I don’t care. I want him in my life.

WHY AM I LIKE THIS.

WHY AM I HUNG UP ON A GUY THAT DOESN’T GIVE A SHIT WHETHER I’M IN HIS LIFE OR NOT.

WHY?

I called him two nights ago. It was like 4am so 5am his time, and I called him. He didn’t answer. I thought, alright, maybe he’s sleeping surely he’ll text me when he sees I called.

Nothing.

It’s now been nearly two days since, and he hasn’t texted asking why I called, hasn’t texted saying anything.

I guess in his mind he’s just done.

He doesn’t even want to pretend anymore. He doesn’t want to pretend that he cares anymore.

It’s just crazy because I don’t know how he can just… idk. He’s such a sweet guy, and the way he listens to me, talks to me, touches me, it feels like home.

He would always ask me to move in with him. Tell me to move to Sydney. Ask me: “if I got a two bedroom apartment would you move in?” Yet he’s unwilling to even call.

He also would always maintain that if I lived in Sydney or if he lived in Brisbane or whatever the fuck it may be, we would be together. That “without a doubt” we would be in a relationship. He would always say this. And anytime I would say “I don’t think we’d be good in a relationship” or “even if we were short distance we wouldn’t be together” he would always question me. Ask me why I thought that.

Such a cop out.

‘You know… if it was like THIS, we would be together.’ Like SHUT THE FUCK UP! You don’t want to put in any effort to make long distance work, the only reason you want me to ‘move in’ with you is because you’re lonely and you like the idea that someone will be with you. That there’ll be someone to kiss before you go to work, kiss when you come home, someone that’ll just BE THERE.

It just hurts.

When you want nothing more than to be with someone, to have them with you all the time, to talk to them, to do EVERYTHING with them, and they just genuinely do not want that back… it sucks. It sucks bad.

It also hurts how he hasn’t texted at all since I called him.

I know I shouldn’t have called, and I know I was the one that ended it and he’s probably thinking ‘she ended it, why is she calling now?’ but I just wanted to hear his voice.

It feels weird.

That the whole time we spent time together, he just doesn’t feel anything. Nothing.

I want to text him and ask if he’s alright.

I know that’s clingy as FUCK but I just… I miss him.

fuck

It’s been another long while since I’ve written in here. I’ve been also writing in my physical journal so there’s some fillers there.

My last two entries I published were drafts that I wrote months before I published them. I think it’s because I told myself I would finish writing it the next day but then forgot about it… but either way, the last time I wrote in here was about December (i think). A lot has happened since then with R.

For one, a couple weeks after I saw him for the last time in Sydney (and two days after he had asked me to be exclusive), my cousin found his profile on Hinge. It said ‘active today’. I was heartbroken. At this stage, I was actually in Indonesia for PEATLI trip, and I found out I think the fourth day I was there? I remember at first I was kind of in shock. I was just kind of like… damn. And then when it hit me later, I started bawling. I kept crying and crying and I didn’t know what to do.

The worst part about the whole situation though wasn’t the fact that I caught him on Hinge DAYS AFTER he had asked me to be exclusive (which is fucking terrible), but it was the fact that when I confronted him about it, he was so dismissive. Saying things like, “you wouldn’t believe me anyway”, “what could I have said that you would have believed”, “I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.” He never fessed up to it. In fact, one of the first things he said after I sent him the screenshot of him being on Hinge was “how does that mean I use it to talk to people?” which is crazy because he had told me he deleted it. Even if he wasn’t using it to talk to people, the fact that he was on it, swiping, looking at girls, doing whatever… needless to say I was heartbroken lol.

The way that he acted showed me that he didn’t care. At all. In the slightest. He didn’t give a shit and didn’t think I was important enough to apologise to, or to call to explain, or to even say ANYTHING other than “bruh I really did mean it when I said I don’t use it.”

I despised him. I hated how I would sit there or be going to sleep, and would just think about the way he would act towards me before all of that happened. The way we would cuddle, sit on the couch together, hold each other, talk, and laugh. The way he would kiss my hand when he would drive, or hug me when we were out. I felt like everything had been a lie.

But I missed him.

After that, we didn’t talk for a month and a half. Until January 1st 2024. The first day of the year lol. Obviously, for the entirety of the whole month and a half we didn’t talk, I spent nearly everyday crying. Wondering if he just didn’t care the entire time. Wondering whether everything was a lie. Then I would get mad. Why hasn’t he reached out? Why hasn’t he said anything? Does my absence really bother him that little? Was I not pretty enough? Good enough? I think I just wasn’t his ex.

Then, after a month and a half, January 1st rolls around and I’ve just gotten off a facetime call with Helen. I put my phone down and next thing I know I hear the Facetime ringtone go off. I had ACCIDENTALLY CALLED HIS NUMBER. I don’t know how the fuck it happened, but it genuinely was an accident. Honestly, I take it as a sign. Not as a sign that he’s the one for me and that he’s the love of my life, but as a sign to go back to him and get closure. Because HOW IN THE FUCKING WORLD, genuinely, HOW IN THE WORLD AFTER ONE AND A HALF MONTHS OF BEING ON FACETIME EVERYDAY, do I accidentally call his number on JAN 1ST. Another crazy thing is, I had just gotten off the call with Helen cos I was talking about what dates I should buy my tickets to go to Sydney. THAT’S WHAT WE WERE TALKING ABOUT. ME GOING TO SYDNEY. And then somehow my phone fucks up or whatever the fuck happens and I accidentally ring him?

Mad.

Anyway, obviously I’m freaking out because I’m like, broooooooo it’s been so long since we’ve talked, he’s gonna think I’m calling him because I miss him. It’s January 1st which is such a suspicious time to ‘accidentally’ call someone so I was so fucking EMBARRASSED because I was like, he’s not gonna believe me when I say it was a GENUINE FUCKING ACCIDENT. Like, I’m not going to lie, when I went to Sydney even if I hadn’t accidentally called him, I probably would’ve reached out and said something stupid LOL, but STILL.

Anyway, so obviously once I see I’m accidentally ringing him, I quickly hang up and he texts me immediately afterwards. “Is everything okay? I’m just at work at the moment so I can’t pick up” or something along those lines. I reply like right away because obviously I’m like, bro I have to clear this shit up. So I reply “it was an accident meant to call someone else, sorry about that” but LOW AND BEHOLD, THAT TEXT DOESN’T FUCKING GO THROUGH. I think because I had called him on facetime which meant I had called his iCloud and not his number, my text went through to his computer on iMessage instead of his phone. BUT OBVIOUSLY I DON’T KNOW THIS UNTIL this guy texts me like 30 minutes later saying “Hello???” and at first I’m confused because I’m like what?? I already replied.

But then I realise.

I had to have texted him as a text message instead of iMessage for it to go through to his phone. At this point it had been like two hours since he sent the “Hello??” text and I’m just fucking humiliated. Because it’s like, on his end he’s probably thinking ‘damn, she probably called me because she misses me but since I didn’t pick up, she’s embarrassed and won’t reply.’ Anyway, I end up texting him hours later and I just say “I already replied – I meant to call someone else it was an accident. think that text went to your computer though.” So I’m just being nonchalant and just trying to make it seem like it was genuinely an accident. WHICH IT WAS BUT I JUST KNOW THAT FROM THE OTHER PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE, IT WOULDN’T SEEM LIKE THAT.

He replies after work and he says “Oh no worries then, as long as you’re alright. Happy new year btw.”

THIS SENDS ME IN A FRENZY. When I first read that, I didn’t honestly think anything of it. For me it just seemed like he was being polite. But then when I asked Helen and my cousin Bryan and even my little brother, they were all like “bro that sounds like he’s trying to come back into your life. The fact he said Happy New Year is sus” but idk, I genuinely just thought he was being polite.

So I didn’t get my hopes up, and so I just simply replied “you too, hope everything’s well.” I left it at that. I obviously wanted to be polite back, and so I did. I was kinda fucked up after this though. It felt like after that month and a half of me thinking EVERYDAY about him, us exchanging that conversation I guess was like “alright, this is the end. I’ve gotta move on” you know? It felt like closure. But I guess that fucked me up cos I was just like, idk.

BUT THEN, BUT THEN, BUT THEN!!!!!!! He replies to that saying “What did you do for New Years?” I WAS SO FUCKING HAPPPPYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!

Now I knew for sure that he wanted the conversation to continue HAHAHAHAHA. Before that I had assumed that he was just being polite, but him continuing the conversation made it known to me that he wanted us to continue talking, you know? He wanted us to be in each other’s lives again.

Obviously over text though, I did not show an ounce of this happiness. I was very nonchalant HAHAHA. Borderline rude, but still. Nonchalant.

So I reply and I just go “nothing much, just the normal” and even though I’m being very dry over text, he continues asking me questions and continuing the conversation. Asking things like “you didn’t go out?” or whatever. So then I decide ‘fuck it, I’m gonna tell him I’m going to Sydney because you know what, I’m gonna take this as a sign for him to come back into my life LOL’. So, I do exactly that. I text him and I go “im in syd next week” or something like that. He obviously replies like ‘whaaaat, when next week?” and I reply and yada yada yada. He then goes, “want me to pick you up?” that is, him asking me whether I wanted him to pick me up from the airport.

I reply and I just say “no need, I’ll be going to my cousin’s” and he goes “Ahahaha I know, I meant I could pick you up and drop you off” and I’m like SOOOO HAPPY. COS I’M LIKE, HE WANTS TO SEE MEEEEEEEEE. You know?

Anyway, I’m still big on my ego though so I just respond, “what’s the point of that lol don’t worry about it.” Which is crazy because I do geniunely want him to pick me up, I just want to play hard to get… you know…? I’m toxic I know I JUST WANT HIM TO GROVEL.

But anyway, obviously if someone sends you that you’re gonna assume they don’t want to see you, so he just kinda replies “Ahaha it was just an excuse to see you tbh. All good though, hope you enjoy your trip.” And now I’m like fuck…. but also IM’ FUCKING MAD COS I’M LIKE, WHY AREN’T YOU TRYING HARDER. WHY DON’T YOU GROVEL? But yes, I know, that’s a bad thing to expect, expesically because i know for a fact that he’s not the type to do that. Whatever…

So then I just reply like a day later or so and go, “i mean I’ll be free later on though” and he replies and goes “ahaha alright well let me know when you;re free” and yada yada yada.

I text him the day I arrive at Syd on the Wednesday, and I just say “i’m free tonight” and so he’s obviously like, alright I’ll come pick you up, whatever whatever.

I see him that night.

I remember getting into his car and I was kinda like, bruh I shouldn’t even be here. I tell him that too HAHAHA. I remember he tried like touching me on my head or something, but I was just like “don’t touch me”. Obviously, I want him to touch me, but still. I’M JUST A GIRL OKAY?!?!?!? I gotta play hard.

We talk about small things at the beginning, and then obviously the conversation about what happened comes up. OBVIOUSLY. It was the elephant in the room the whole time. I bring it up by kinda being like “you still haven’t apologised for that by the way.” and obviously he replies and he’s going “I am genuinely really sorry about that” I can’t remember the specifics of all of it, but yeah he starts talking about it and I guess his point of view, and I kinda just listen. Obviously, you know, I ask him “did it even bother you that we didn’t talk anymore? like were you even bothered by the fact I wasn’t in your life anymore?” and I remember he replied “you have no idea.”

Anyway, we get back to his place and we just kind of sit on the couch. We put on some anime and obviously, I’m quite firm on the fact that I don’t want this to get physical. I don’t want anything to kind of happen. Blah blah blah. We have a fight because he’s constantly saying that he is different (after I had said that I thought he would’ve been different to other people), and I kept refuting it. It goes silent for like an hour LOL. Before that he was like, “can’t we just hug?” or something along the lines. He wanted to cuddle because we were sitting far away from each other on the couch. I obviously said no (even though I wanted to lol).

An hour or so goes by of just complete silence and awkwardness LOL, and obviously since there’s this thick level of tension from our fight, I bring out the game we used to play together (Whiteout Survival) and make jokes about it. Obviously since I’m such a noob at the game, he grabs my phone and works on my base for me LOL, and so obviously I ended up sitting right next to him as opposed to the other side of the fucking couch. We’re sitting super close at this point and I don’t know how it gets to this point, but he kisses me.

He fucking kisses me.

And I kiss him back.

I tell him we shouldn’t be doing this, but we keep doing it anyway. We start making out, but we don’t have sex right away. Obviously since that was the first time we had kissed in close to two months, it felt really intimate. We kissed slowly and intimately, then it would go rough and we would make out.

After that we end up playing these stupid games on his computer LOL. Then after that, we have sex. Multiple times. In multiple locations.

The sex was loving. Like we were each other’s drugs. Like we couldn’t get enough of each other. We made love and it feels wrong to even call that having sex.

I stay at his place obviously until the next day. We end up going to the car dealerships and stuff together and he’s so caring the whole day.

Idk.

Even when we were talking to this mechanic guy while he was getting his registration stuff sorted out, he kept flirting with me in front of me. Poking my cheek, all that stuff. And then when we were at Bob’s Tyres, he was super touchy with me and idk. Anyway, that’s a whole another story.

Anyway, we continue hanging out basically everyday lol. Until it gets to Wednesday. So I knew that Wednesday and Thursday were his off days and I really wanted him to text me and try to organise a date or something. Something we could do for the whole day. Because obviously we can’t do much on the days he has work because he finishes at like 2am and starts work at 6pm, so we would hang out for a couple hours after his work ended and then go to sleep together, then he would obviously wake up quite late around 2-4pm and we would hang out a little bit more then before he went to work again.

So obviously, I want to spend a full day with him and go on a cute lunch date or dinner date or SOMETHING. ANYTHING. Wednesday rolls around and nothing happens. Nothing. We’re just texting back and forth about random shit, whatever. He doesn’t bring anything up about seeing me.

Thursday comes around and he leaves me on delivered all. fucking. day. He texted me at like 3pm or so saying that he had just had a job interview and was dead, so obviously I reply and just say “aw… you need a massage?” with a cute lil emoji. That was me inadvertently hinting that I wanted to see him. Although, the message could be interpreted as just a cute message. Anyway, the whole day goes by and I’m still on delivered.

I sent that massage text at like 3:30pm, and it was like nearly 12am and there was still no reply. I was fucked up. I was unbelievably sad and also getting progressively more and more pissed each hour he didn’t reply. Because in my head it’s this: he knows that I’m only in Sydney for a limited amount of time and he knows that after that, I’m leaving. It’s not like I’m staying in Sydney for months – I’m only here for a week and a bit and he KNOWS THIS. Now, in saying this, I understand that yes, at this point it had only been two days since we’d last seen each other, and I also understand that since the beginning of when I arrived in Sydney, we’d spent essentially every day together up to Wednesday. I GET THIS. But still, I wished he had put in more effort. Planned a cute date for us to go on on his off days… planned SOMETHING.

But I also understand that since we’d spent so much time together, he probably wanted some down time to himself too. And obviously on that Thursday, he had had a job interview and was hanging out with his friends later that night playing badminton.

This is where it gets more fucked though.

I ended up giving in on Thursday night. After being on delivered all day, I spoke to my cousin and he was like, honestly just text him again fuck it. You’re only there in Sydney for a couple more days, don’t regret it. Just do it.

So I texted him again at like 11:30pm or whatever being like “i wanna see you i miss u”. Was this kind of embarrassing on my part? Yes. But you know what? I was only going to be in Sydney for a couple more days and I did really want to see him. I’m too young to not be doing what I want lol.

He replies later on and says: “Me too… did you change your booking?” I’m MAD. FUMING. MY TEXT TO HIM WAS ME LITERALLY SAYING BRO I WANT TO FUCKING SEE YOU, AND HE’S NOT GOING TO PLAN ANYTHING???? HOW DENSE IS THIS FUCKING GUY? Now, I understand because I’m pretty sure he was still out at badminton at this point, but STILL.

Oh, btw, for the sake of context – the reason he brought up the booking thing was because I had told him I might’ve had to move my flight back to Brisbane forward because I forgot I had bought a ticket to an event in Brisbane. But anyway, I didn’t end up having to do that because I just sold my ticket. So that’s what he was asking.

I just replied and I said “no i just sold my ticket i’m leaving same time” to which he obviously asks when that is, I reply telling him 3 days from now, and you know what this man says?? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS FUCKING MAN SAYS BACK?????????

“But you said you might come back in February right?”

.

.

let’s just have a moment of silence for that reply.

AFTER I HAD TOLD HIM, 1, THAT I WANTED TO SEE HIM AND I MISSED HIM AND 2, THAT I WAS LEAVING IN 3. FUCKING. DAYS. ALL HE SAYS BACK IS “But you said you’re coming back in Feb right?”

Nah.

There was no way… right?

I was absolutely fuming. Up to this point by the way, I had spent essentially the past few days consistently crying about him because he wasn’t initiating anything and I felt conflicted. Not to mention, me and Helen had been fighting the past couple of days about him too so I just think everything was fucking overwhelming me.

So anyway, I reply to him just going “no? when did i say that?” Because at this point I’m confused. When did I fucking say that? Where the fuck is he getting this information from? And not to mention, WHAT IS STOPPING HIM FROM SEEING ME BEFORE I LEAVE?

Now, okay, I know I’m overthinking about his reply but it’s definitely an OBJECTIVELY off-putting response. But I do understand that yes, he could’ve been asking that as a genuine question of like “wait but you said you’re coming back in Feb right?” or like a hopeful thing like damn she’s leaving so fucking soon, is she coming back in FEB. I get that. I know I shouldn’t overthink. But I guess it’s just like, the fact he said that after having essentially leaving me high and dry the past two days beforehand, was off-putting. The fact that he’d never initiated anything essentially the WHOLE TIME I WAS THERE, and then SAID THAT?! I was hurt. And confused, I guess.

To me it was this: you don’t want to hang out with me, and you think that’s fine because I’ll just be ‘coming back in feb’. You can’t be fucked and you’re too ceebs to be with me this trip, but it’s fine cos i’ll just be back in Feb. That’s how I took it.

Anyway, it gets worse. After I had texted him and been like “no? when did i say that?” this guy leaves me on delivered for a whole day again LOL. I get it, he had work the next day but he would have been WIDE FUCKING AWAKE the night I had sent that text. After he takes that whole fucking day to respond, you know what he responds with?

“You told me in person that you might come back in February, when we were talking about you changing your flight 🤨” WITH THAT EMOJI TOO. Is it just me, or is he giving me fucking attitude? Anyway, so now I’m PISSED OFF THOUGH.

BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, HE’S JUST WASTED ANOTHER FUCKING DAY. I’M LEAVING SYDNEY IN TWO DAYS NOW. He left me on delivered for a full fucking day, knowing damn well I was going to be leaving soon. And I get it, he had work that day, I get it. But STILL. WHAT THE FUCK?!

But anyway, I’m not even upset at him at this point, I’m just angry. But obviously I don’t show this. I just reply and say “must’ve just said it in passing. also, i have to get my stuff from your place before i go” because I had left all my fucking rings there, my hairbrush, and some other things. And at this point it’s just like, you clearly don’t want to see me and I’m not going to beg you to see me, so let me just get my shit from your place and dip. I couldn’t just ghost him and not reply even though I wanted to after the plain fucking disrespect he had showed me because I NEEDED TO GET MY SHIT LOL.

I send that message at like 1:30am so I was sititng there like, alright do I start getting ready? Because I was expecting him to text and be like, alright i’ll come pick you up after work today then. HAhahahaha. Even that was too much to expect clearly. 2:30am rolls around (MIND YOU, HE GETS OFF WORK AT 2AM NORMALLY), and he still hasn’t replied. I am fucking PISSED THE FUCK OFF. Because at this point it’s like, I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO SEE ME, BUT I NEED TO GET ALL MY SHIT FRMO YOUR PLACE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I COULDN’T GIVE TWO FUCKS LESS ABOUT YOU, BUT I DO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT MY BELONGINGS.

At this point I’ve called him like three or four times because I am fuming.

He finally responds at 3:30am IN THE MORNING, “I just got off work now 🫠 I’ll pick you up after work tomorrow then, also I can drop you off to the airport”

I’m mad though. I’m unbelievably mad.

First of all, him getting off work that late is fucking suspicious. He has never gotten off work that late in the entirety of me knowing him. Like yeah, there was a time when we hung out earlier that week where he got off at 2:30am due to delays from the rain, but whatever. I don’t know whether he was lying about that or not to try and avoid hanging out with me, but I guess I should stop overthinking about this.

I’m gonna end this here can’t be bothered

• this was written in December (i think

My god.

Last time I wrote in here it was October… it is now December. So it’s been like 2 months. A lot has changed since then. And a lot has happened since then.

So, yes, as the last entry talked about, I met a guy (we’ll call him R). Reading back on my last entry, damn, I genuinely forgot how awkward our first meet was. He’s just such a fucking awkward guy. I forgot all those tiny details about how he was legit just on his phone when we got to his place lol. We got McDonald’s on the way back to his place, and I clearly remember like when we got the McDonald’s and we went back to his car and he was like “if you spill the drink in my car like blah blah” I forgot what it was he said exactly and it could’ve just been a joke, but I remember just thinking like uh… alright? Like it was so passive aggressive. This is actually the best way to talk about him. Passive aggressive. Constantly.

Then we got back to his place and my first impression was, damn, this place fucking stinks. It smelled like cat piss bro and that’s not even me being dramatic. Then I remember I just like sat on the edge of his bed super fucking awkwardly and I was sitting there for what felt like HOURS. And you know what he was doing? On his phone. At first I was like, okay, he’s probably just a super awkward person so he probably just goes on his phone because he doesn’t know what to say or whatever. But I’m realising like, lol, nah. He just didn’t give a shit. That was the first major red flag.

I don’t even know why I stayed. I think I just didn’t know how to get out of it to be honest. But anyway. After that, we ended up watching some random anime and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Multiple times throughout the night. I didn’t leave his place until like 2pm or 1:30pm which was crazy cos we met up at like 4am so that’s like, 10 hours. Even though a lot of it was just us having sex, we never like went to sleep. So that was genuinely just us hanging out for 10 hours straight.

When I finally did end up saying ‘look I have to go’ he was continuously like just leave a little later like stay. We can get something to eat or something then I can drop you back off. But I actually had a flight to catch that very day, so I was like nah I genuinely do have to go (I didn’t tell him I had a flight that day lol). But like yeah, he was very much wanting me to stay, wanting to hang out more, and kept being like “what are your plans tomorrow? Even if it’s just for a little bit like I want to see you.” But when I was lying there on his bed, I didn’t really even know how I felt about him to be honest. I felt super comfortable don’t get me wrong, but that was only because I was lying skin to skin with someone else and it wasn’t the fact that it was HIM that was giving me butterflies, I think it was just the fact that I was so intimate with SOMEONE. But I knew that I was catching a flight that day (or so I thought) so I told him like “I don’t think I’ll have time to see you tomorrow because it’s my last day and I should spend time with my cousin” and he was like yeah just let me know though. If you do have time I want to see you.

I remember as we were going down to his car, he like was getting something from his other car and I think I had accidentally left the straw wrapper on the seat and he was like “did you just leave the wrapper there?” like lowkey passive aggressively (I don’t even know if it was genuinely passive aggressive or just me being super super super SUPER fucking sensitive but yeah) and I was just like ah sorry. l also remember that I had like, accidentally slammed his door NOT EVEN THOUGH, like yeah it was a little hard, but genuinely an accident though. But yeah, I had accidentally slammed the door and I forgot what he said, but he had said something about that too and made a comment about it, and I just ended up being like “oh sorry” AGAIN. Like even from the first and second fucking time I met him, he was making these small comments and being a dick to be honest, so I just felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. Which is crazy if you’re doing that off the get go. Just made me feel like he didn’t actually want me there lol. It was also crazy cos on the whole car ride back I was thinking so much. Like, am I even attracted to this man (he looked super different to his pictures). I was just so confused with what I felt towards him because it was like, I feel like I should’ve felt something more than what I did. I didn’t feel anything. But considering I had just spent like 10 hours with this guy, cuddling skin to skin, talking about everything, I felt like I should’ve felt a lot more. I still remember when he dropped me off and he had stopped in front of Regiment, we made out in his car before I got off. Then after we just talked for a bit, and he was like text me or something, and I think I made a joke (forgot though), and he was like “text me something like get home safe” like in a vibe that was like, I want you to text me something cute. And so getting out I was like, damn this guy really likes me and whatnot. And so I texted him and stuff, and he replied and was like “I just hate that you live in Brisbane, I like your stinky ass” and so obviously that had me blushing n stuff.

Anyway, my flight ended up getting cancelled so I booked it again for the next day which meant I had one more night in Sydney. So, I saw him again that night. He picked me up and stuff and it was a lot better this time around. It was less awkward, he wasn’t on his phone (the bare fucking minimum), but I just remember like when we got back to his place, I was thinking “why did I come here.” We started off sitting at the edge of his bed again, but I think he was a lot looser and not as uptight as the first time, so he wasn’t on his phone and was actually talking lol. I remember I made a joke about my dead dog and he started like laughing and hugging me n shit. So I knew that the reason he was so awkward and on his phone and stuff the first time we met is genuinely because he’s a super super super anxious and introverted guy. Super awkward as well.

But anyway, we ended up watching a horror movie and cuddling on the bed. I remember feeling like does he just want me for sex? What’s the deal. When we were cuddling obviously he was being very touchy and stuff and I could tell that he wanted to have sex. So we did lol. But it wasn’t as intense as the first time we met. We only did like one round (to what I can remember) and then we just talked for the rest of it. I remember he was telling me like “I got super attached to you, I feel like it’s more of a one-sided thing lol” and he was like making a joke of his attachment issues but I could tell he was being serious. We also ended up having a deep talk about our past relationships, our love languages; like we were having mad deep talks. And then I remember he said something like I finally found someone like you, but I can’t even have you. That’s because i lived in Brisbane btw. and we wouldn’t be able to regularly see each other. Then he continued and was saying like something about how everyone leaves or something (not in a male manipulator way but in a sweet way like, damn I can’t even see you after I found someone like you). It was really sweet. It was a really cute night.

I remember we just lay there in silence for a little bit, and I said to him “what now?” and he was like “I want to get to know everything about you. I wish I could’ve at least taken you out for some lunch or something but for now, I want to know everything about you.” And then I told him that the distance between us would probably just make us lowkey forget about each other, and he was like “or make us miss each other more.”

He was so sweet. After that last meet up, I caught feelings. I think. So when it got about time for me to leave, I told him to just drop me back off to my cousin’s place and that she would drop me off to the airport (which was a lie, I just didn’t want him dropping me off to the airport), but then I accidentally let it slip that I was catching an uber and he was like what? no I’ll drop you off and insisted. So he dropped me off to my cousin’s place and waited outside while I got my suitcase from her room, then I came back downstairs and put it in his trunk. Then before we went to the airport, we stopped by a McDonald’s to get some food, and he was on his phone when he got his food in the car too. Mad awkward. But it’s confusing right? Because it’s like, normally if a guy is constantly on his phone when he’s with me I’m gonna be like, okay you’re being rude and you’re just not that into me. But he insisted he would drop me off to the airport and everything so clearly he is into me, so I realised he’s just genuinely addicted to his fucking phone.

But anyway, we make it to the airport and he helps me get my bags out and stuff. Then as we say bye we kiss but he starts making out passionately with fucking TONGUE and all in the middle of the drop off section so I was like ….. and I told him I was like “we’re in public stopppp they’re all gonna stare” and he just replied with “let them stare” so I was like ooooo okay then. I see you.

So then obviously I go back to Brisbane and everything, and he sends me a text being like “send me a selfie once you land!” which I thought was kind of weird. Because you’d think that you would just be like “send me a text once you’ve landed safely” but he was like send me a selfie. But I just saw that as a sign that he just found me attractive obviously. But it was still kind of weird lol.

So we texted a lot for three weeks straight, then he bought me a flight to Sydney so we could see each other again LOL. It was crazy. So I got to Sydney, and then he parked his car so he could walk and pick me up which I thought was super cute. Then we got something to eat and it was really cute. He was holding my hand, and I just felt super comfortable with him.

That first trip I did to Sydney went well. I can’t really remember all the details. OH ALSO, he took off work that ENTIRE WEEK so we could spend time together which was actually the cutest fucking thing ever. So OBVIOUSLY I’M THINKING, okay this guy is super really into me. And I am too. He’s taking this seriously.

But like even in that trip, he was just constantly on his phone with me. That’s one of his fucking red flags, he was ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE. HE’S ADDICTED. At first I took it personally, but I realised that that’s just him. Anyway, so the trip goes well and I go back to Brisbane and everything and we start talking again just on Instagram which sucks. Because you go from seeing someone 24/7 to not seeing them at all. He would also never call me (which again, at first I took personally but some people genuinely just do not ever call and I know he wasn’t lying about this because the first time we facetimed, he was like ‘this is genuinely my first time using facetime). So he’s not a caller. Which I could get around to.

Anyway, I bought a flight to see him a week and a half after that because I had finished all my assignments, and I missed him. So I went back and this time was a little bit weird. That’s because we were both sick (like super sick) and my eye was fucked up (WHICH I LATER REALISED WAS BECAUSE THIS GUY GAVE ME CHLAMYDIA SO I HAD CHLAMYDIA CONJUNCTIVITIS LOL).

Hey, so it’s been more than a month since I wrote in here again. It’s crazy because that day I wrote in here feels like yesterday, it genuinely does. Time flies.

I downloaded Hinge. My very first time getting a dating app (technically, because when I had bumble I had it for less than 24 hours…). A lot has happened. A fucking lot. That whole Sydney trip was a fucking mind fuck.

For one, getting Hinge was super nerve-wracking. I have a fuck ton of anxiety so the thought of putting myself out there to be judged by people is my worst nightmare. But, with Helen next to me, it actually went fine.

At first, I started talking to a guy called Andrew. Conversation went super well, everything was going super super well. Then, I accidentally shut him down (thinking that he would continue the banter) but he didn’t. So, that ended. At first I was super upset because I genuinely thought I would go somewhere with him. I wanted to. But it didn’t happen and oh well. After that, a guy called Raffin asked me out. I thought he was super cute based off his profile so I said yes and I met up with him the next day or so. Little did I know what I was getting myself into…

At first when I met up with him, it was SUPER AWKWARD. Not to mention, it was also 4am in the morning… I thought for sure that this was just going to be a fuck because why the fuck else is bro hitting me up at 2am in the morning. OR SO I THOUGHT. Turns out his work is genuinely just from 6pm-2am so that is the only time he’s free LMAOOOO. He just wanted to go for a drive. It was super awkward in the car and I remember just sitting there like wtf…. why is he not talking. Obviously, now that I know him, I know that he’s just super socially anxious and is super introverted. I remember being super impressed by his car though HAHA. Felt like a true passenger princess in his car and he has FOUR OF THEM TOO WHICH ONE OF THEM IS A CONVERTIBLE. I nearly wet myself I can’t even lie…

He took me to this like super pretty lookout place. It was genuinely beautiful. We talked for a little while there and then he proceeded to show me his entire TikTok saved videos and it was a little bit weird, but I was glad to see him loosening up. After that, we just drove and he invited me to come back to his place which was again, MAD AWKWARD AT THE BEGINNING. I was sitting at the edge of his bed playing with his cat for what felt like HOURS and he was just sitting there on his phone next to me… never wanted to die more in my life.

Then somehow we ended up putting on anime idk how we got there but we did. I was just lying across his bed SUPER AWKWARDLY and he was also super fucking awkward. He would keep like patting my head too???? LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HAHAHA. He didn’t make any moves except for that so I was a little confused. Cause MIND YOU I still thought he brought me back to his place to fuck me and then be done with it. But whatever.

I think halfway through the second episode or something he was like I’m kinda cold I want to get under the covers so we changed positions and I ended up lying down next to him. At first nothing happened, but then he like, looked back at me and I’m pretty sure I went in for the kiss first. Actually, yeah, I think it was me. I can’t REMEMBER THOUGH. I just remember we just started passionately making out and he knew THE KNEE TRICK AKSJDHASKJDHASKJ. Obviously one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. That whole night I think we had more than 10 rounds of sex which was CRAZY. Neither of us came but the sex was amazing. The best sex I have ever had in my entire life. He knew all the tricks like the hand pushing down on my stomach, he knew where my CLIT WAS, he knew EVERYTHING. HE EVEN PUT A PILLOW DOWN UNDER ME TOO. LIKE I was thinking ‘someone cooked here’ HAHAHA.

Apart from the sex though, the best part was what came after it. After every round we would just cuddle and I would lie down on his chest and just feel like I was absolutely floating. It felt like my head fit perfectly in the nook of his neck and it was just… I don’t even know how to explain it. I felt so connected to him in that moment but it was also weird because I just wasn’t sure how I felt about him. The situation had me feeling super vulnerable and intimate, but him himself I wasn’t sure about. I fully remember the whole car back just thinking, I don’t know about this guy. I don’t know if I’m attracted to him or whether I want something more with him. I genuinely did not know. I didn’t catch feelings or anything. I was super confused because I felt like I should’ve felt more than what I did feel. I felt like I should’ve felt SOMETHING. And I think I did, but not about him, more just the fact he was a person that was THERE.

So, it’s been about 4 months since I last wrote in here. Even more.

It is August the 23rd, or, exactly one year since Mimi passed away. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t feel sad and it’s making me feel guilty. It’s only been a year but I’ve already forgotten her. I remember the way she looked and the things she would do, but I don’t clearly remember the sound of her barks, her whines, the way her fur felt. I don’t remember what it was like to have Mimi as a pet. I remember taking her on walks and picking up her poop, but I don’t remember the filler moments where we would just chill together and be together. It makes me feel guilty. It’s only been a year and yet I’ve already forgotten all these things.

I’ve been dreading this day for a while. But I really, really, do not feel sad. I don’t know why. Maybe I’ve gotten so accustomed to life without her it doesn’t hit me anymore. I feel… bittersweet. There’s an acceptance in me where I know that she is somewhere better and without pain. But there’s also a tremendous amount of guilt where I feel horrible for how I treated how, how she was neglected a lot of the time when we were busy, how I didn’t take her on enough walks, how we would just dump food in her bowl and let her eat it throughout the day without giving her set food times. We were terrible owners. Maybe God saw that and thought, I better take her away where she’s not getting ignored and mistreated. Maybe that’s why she got cancer at such a young age and had to be put down.

I hardly remember life with her. Yet I lived 6 years with her. I miss her. I wish she was a human and could understand when I say I am so terribly sorry for how I treated her and I wish I loved her more. But she won’t ever understand that. All she knew in her whole life were not enough walks, not enough treats, not enough anything.

I was a terrible sister to her. She didn’t deserve our family.

Now that it’s been a year since she’s been gone, I’m reflecting on what the year has been. A lot of ups and downs and a lot of things have happened. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that ‘I’ve changed’ but I think I have on a small level. Maybe. I’m not sure.

I remember I thought 19 was so old but now I’m 20. Two months into 20 as well. I’m growing up.

This past year from August 2022 to August 2023 has felt so long. My life has changed so much in that one year. I went to Korea twice, New York, Japan; I got fired from Cotton On, I resumed violin teaching, I started at UQ. Nothing boy related unfortunately, but I am getting Hinge soon so hopefully that will be solved.

Everything has changed so much since I was living in Soar St feeding medicine to Mimi. Even though it’s only been a year, it seems like my outlook has changed and my thinking has become way less centred on me me me. Although, don’t get me wrong, it still is time to time. I’ve matured, I think.

Right now I’m sitting on the beautiful campus of my university overlooking the oval and in front of the sandstone building. It’s a beautiful day with a blue sky and nice breeze. I always forget how nice and beautiful life is until I sit on grass and just watch the world and nature. It seems so corny but I think perhaps that’s the reason I’m feeling bittersweet instead of completely sad about Mimi’s anniversary.

People come and go in life and that’s just what it is. I have to accept it and move on. I have with Mimi I think. Or maybe not enough. I still have – like I said earlier – a crushing amount of guilt that holds over my head whenever I think about her. Everytime I look at pictures of her I start to cry for this reason too.

I haven’t looked at any pictures of Mimi today yet. I think I’m putting it off. Right now I’m distracted because I have a full day of classes at uni and not to mention assignments coming up. I’m distracted so I’m not completely thinking about her. But once I see pictures of her it’s all going to come rushing back and I won’t get a distraction.

I don’t know.

Hi!

It’s been around two months and a bit since I last wrote in here and man, have things changed.

I’m still completely addicted to Roblox but in a way that I am trying to escape from. It is so addicting and every time I hop on I end up spending hours of my time on it and I waste DAYS. I hate it.

I hate how it makes me feel and I just – I just hate it.

I also hate discord.

It’s weird because I’ve always had this weird relationship with technology and being online ever since I was probably 15 or 14. Maybe even younger. It honestly started with Wattpad forums where I would just wreak havoc. Then it turned into discord which I was ADDICTED to. It’s terrible because the height of my addiction on discord was during Mimi’s diagnosis and death. I should have spent more time with her, but I think I just wanted to escape from reality. That’s what being online has given me. I’m able to make a whole different persona of myself. One I can construct from scratch. No one knows me, I have no obligations to anyone, I can just come and go as I please.

Obviously it hasn’t really worked out like that, though.

I’ve made a lot of online friends in the meantime. For example, from Wattpad forums I had Zeetheshitpostee, Cricketlovesfanfic, flinch, werewolves… etc. Then from discord (which I’ve had since 2019), I have Jade – someone who I’ve lowkey grown up with over the internet – Soupli, miles, etc. Then, now, through Roblox, I have d, r, s. All these people but instead of bringing me joy that I have friends online and whatnot, I find myself kind of despising it.

Of course I love that I can chat with these people and make jokes with them, but I hate that my time on the internet is becoming just like real life. I now have these obligations to these people. For example, I have to message them here and there, check up on them, play with them, etc. They have now become a part of my world and me of theirs.

I don’t know.

I think it just comes down to me having commitment issues. I just can’t handle the feeling of being responsible for something. I hate it. I hate someone depending on me. I hate it. I just want to be free; to do things with no hindrance. I don’t want my actions to be limited by people. That’s why I like the internet. I meet people, but we don’t necessarily become friends. We just talk when we want, do what we want, etc.

I don’t like the feeling of having to do something with someone and be responsible to them everyday. Which is why Roblox is now becoming more of a hassle than something fun.

Don’t get me wrong, I love talking with all my friends and it makes me laugh, but at the same time I’m thinking: Hannah, you’re nearly 20 years old playing ROBLOX with a bunch of 16 year old kids. What the FUCK are you doing? Get a hold of yourself. It’s made me feel guilty for playing and makes me feel like such a fucking SLUMP. I should be looking for things in my career I can do or meeting new friends instead of sitting in my room all day playing stupid games.

I’m deciding that I have to put Roblox in the past now. I’ve deleted it from my laptop and deleted discord from my phone, too. I need to be more in person. Not online

Hi everyone.

I am currently writing this on my new Macbook pro that my dad bought for me. I love it. It’s so much more satisfying to write on than my measly Macbook air where the S key had completely fallen off and the screen would flop to a 180 degree straight line with one wrong move…

Anyway, it is the 25th of January and I feel good about this year. Hopefully it won’t be one of those things where I feel good about it but then it ends up being the worst year of my life lol.

But I do genuinely feel good.

For one, I am more stable within myself this year. I don’t know what shifted; whether it was just my brain maturing and realising that these thoughts do nothing but harm myself, or whether I simply just became more confident within myself… who knows. I like to think both.

Before, seeing a bad picture of me would completely ruin my day. Like completely. But now, I see it, I cringe, but I move on. Which is huge progress for me.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still have a long way to go. For one, I still do not look at myself in mirrors or stuff like that when I’m out in public because tbh, I’m just scared to. If I look ugly I can’t do anything about it in public so I refuse to see myself genuinely just to protect myself. I mean, it just chalks up to the fact that I have an EXTREMELY avoidant personality. So I avoid pictures, mirrors, etc etc.

That’s a big one I have to work on.

But anyway, I went on holiday to Korea, Japan, and New York and it was probably the best holiday ever. For some reason, my Korean has gotten a lot better in the past like two months just unexpectedly and so I feel really super duper happy. It honestly just makes me happy because I’ve always felt so distant to Korea because I couldn’t really speak the language and that, in turn, made me feel really distant to my grandparents who can only speak Korean.

But now that I know how to speak it and can speak it somewhat confidently, I can ask them questions I’ve always longed to ask them like “how was it like when you were younger” and etc.

So I feel like I’ve gained a lot of confidence in myself.

Secondly, I LOVED LOVED LOVED NEW YORK. It’s convinced me that I want to live there. And I know I thought that about Korea and Japan, but this is for real. I want to live there. Their suburb in Long Island is so fucking nice and everytime I drive in the suburb I just feel this peace within myself that I feel like I’ve never felt before.

I also got along great with Bryan surprisingly. He is the biggest NPC ever hHAAHA.

But anyway, my grandparents on my mum’s side are at our house right now in Australia and I love it. My grandpa is probably the funniest most random person I know. I wish I could live inside his brain. I think I’d be super happy. For example today we took them to the Wellington point lighthouse in Cleveland and went to this beautiful lunch place by the water and it was such good vibes. I was so happy and I was happy because I could tell my halmoni and haraboji were happy too.

New york was so amazing. Uncle Luke and Uncle Phillip and Aunty Claire and peanut etc. I love it there. I’m going to do student abroad there lol

But yeah, I feel really happy. I feel like this is the happiest I’ve felt… EVER. But I don’t want to jinx it.

A part of me these days feels sad because I feel like I wasted away my teenage years. I spent so much of it so depressed and anxious beyond belief, not to mention incredibly insecure to the point it would hinder my daily movements. Now that I’m older and (somewhat) wiser, I feel like I should’ve just lived while I could. You know? There was no point being so anxious within myself I just think it was so dumb. If only I had the strength and happiness that I did now.

I know I’m going to look back at these teen years of mine when I’m older and have grandkids and I know I’m going to think I was so incredibly silly for being wrapped up in my head like that.

But whatever.

It’s called being human, ey?

UNTIL NEXT TIME!

Hannah

I am so insecure.

Every month that goes by I look in the mirror and see a different person.

I look back at pictures of myself from the month before and don’t recognise the face animatedly talking to the camera even though that was me mere weeks prior.

I think I’m pretty now but I thought I was pretty then, too.

So why should I believe myself when I thought myself pretty months ago when I see nothing but a weird unsymmetrical face in hindsight?

I don’t believe myself.

It frankly boils down to me not knowing what I look like.

Do I look kind? Funny? Interesting?

Do I look like a drag queen with all the makeup and lashes?

Do I look dirty?

What do I look like?

Truth is, I’ll never know and I’m not sure I want to know either.

But a part of me thirsts to know how other people perceive me.

Am I the pretty stranger on the bus you think about but never see again?

Am I the cool looking chick that strides by you on the sidewalk that you’ll think about for minutes after?

Or am I a forgettable face that no one lands their eyes on?

A face so un-interesting and normal that it makes provokes no thoughts at all.

A face where behind that face lies hundreds of thoughts overthinking and calculating strangers’ movements until it reaches a conclusion that everyone is in love with you when frankly; no one even stares in your direction.

I’ll never know.

I wish I didn’t wish to know how others see me. I wish it didn’t matter so much as it does currently.

But it does and it’s left me with zero sense of self or any sort of awareness of who I am.

Nothing for me to fall back on or to ground me so when I convince myself of how I think someone perceives me, that is Bible.

Even if I think myself kind, if someone calls me rude I am rude.

Even if I think myself funny, if someone call me annoying I am annoying.

Even if I think myself introverted, if someone calls me extroverted I am extroverted.

That’s how my life goes on and on.

Dictated by a bunch of words people have used to describe me which I use to describe me. Not words I’ve appointed to myself; words I had been given from others who some don’t know the first thing of me.

It’s a sad life.