Entry 39

• this was written in December (i think

My god.

Last time I wrote in here it was October… it is now December. So it’s been like 2 months. A lot has changed since then. And a lot has happened since then.

So, yes, as the last entry talked about, I met a guy (we’ll call him R). Reading back on my last entry, damn, I genuinely forgot how awkward our first meet was. He’s just such a fucking awkward guy. I forgot all those tiny details about how he was legit just on his phone when we got to his place lol. We got McDonald’s on the way back to his place, and I clearly remember like when we got the McDonald’s and we went back to his car and he was like “if you spill the drink in my car like blah blah” I forgot what it was he said exactly and it could’ve just been a joke, but I remember just thinking like uh… alright? Like it was so passive aggressive. This is actually the best way to talk about him. Passive aggressive. Constantly.

Then we got back to his place and my first impression was, damn, this place fucking stinks. It smelled like cat piss bro and that’s not even me being dramatic. Then I remember I just like sat on the edge of his bed super fucking awkwardly and I was sitting there for what felt like HOURS. And you know what he was doing? On his phone. At first I was like, okay, he’s probably just a super awkward person so he probably just goes on his phone because he doesn’t know what to say or whatever. But I’m realising like, lol, nah. He just didn’t give a shit. That was the first major red flag.

I don’t even know why I stayed. I think I just didn’t know how to get out of it to be honest. But anyway. After that, we ended up watching some random anime and one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. Multiple times throughout the night. I didn’t leave his place until like 2pm or 1:30pm which was crazy cos we met up at like 4am so that’s like, 10 hours. Even though a lot of it was just us having sex, we never like went to sleep. So that was genuinely just us hanging out for 10 hours straight.

When I finally did end up saying ‘look I have to go’ he was continuously like just leave a little later like stay. We can get something to eat or something then I can drop you back off. But I actually had a flight to catch that very day, so I was like nah I genuinely do have to go (I didn’t tell him I had a flight that day lol). But like yeah, he was very much wanting me to stay, wanting to hang out more, and kept being like “what are your plans tomorrow? Even if it’s just for a little bit like I want to see you.” But when I was lying there on his bed, I didn’t really even know how I felt about him to be honest. I felt super comfortable don’t get me wrong, but that was only because I was lying skin to skin with someone else and it wasn’t the fact that it was HIM that was giving me butterflies, I think it was just the fact that I was so intimate with SOMEONE. But I knew that I was catching a flight that day (or so I thought) so I told him like “I don’t think I’ll have time to see you tomorrow because it’s my last day and I should spend time with my cousin” and he was like yeah just let me know though. If you do have time I want to see you.

I remember as we were going down to his car, he like was getting something from his other car and I think I had accidentally left the straw wrapper on the seat and he was like “did you just leave the wrapper there?” like lowkey passive aggressively (I don’t even know if it was genuinely passive aggressive or just me being super super super SUPER fucking sensitive but yeah) and I was just like ah sorry. l also remember that I had like, accidentally slammed his door NOT EVEN THOUGH, like yeah it was a little hard, but genuinely an accident though. But yeah, I had accidentally slammed the door and I forgot what he said, but he had said something about that too and made a comment about it, and I just ended up being like “oh sorry” AGAIN. Like even from the first and second fucking time I met him, he was making these small comments and being a dick to be honest, so I just felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. Which is crazy if you’re doing that off the get go. Just made me feel like he didn’t actually want me there lol. It was also crazy cos on the whole car ride back I was thinking so much. Like, am I even attracted to this man (he looked super different to his pictures). I was just so confused with what I felt towards him because it was like, I feel like I should’ve felt something more than what I did. I didn’t feel anything. But considering I had just spent like 10 hours with this guy, cuddling skin to skin, talking about everything, I felt like I should’ve felt a lot more. I still remember when he dropped me off and he had stopped in front of Regiment, we made out in his car before I got off. Then after we just talked for a bit, and he was like text me or something, and I think I made a joke (forgot though), and he was like “text me something like get home safe” like in a vibe that was like, I want you to text me something cute. And so getting out I was like, damn this guy really likes me and whatnot. And so I texted him and stuff, and he replied and was like “I just hate that you live in Brisbane, I like your stinky ass” and so obviously that had me blushing n stuff.

Anyway, my flight ended up getting cancelled so I booked it again for the next day which meant I had one more night in Sydney. So, I saw him again that night. He picked me up and stuff and it was a lot better this time around. It was less awkward, he wasn’t on his phone (the bare fucking minimum), but I just remember like when we got back to his place, I was thinking “why did I come here.” We started off sitting at the edge of his bed again, but I think he was a lot looser and not as uptight as the first time, so he wasn’t on his phone and was actually talking lol. I remember I made a joke about my dead dog and he started like laughing and hugging me n shit. So I knew that the reason he was so awkward and on his phone and stuff the first time we met is genuinely because he’s a super super super anxious and introverted guy. Super awkward as well.

But anyway, we ended up watching a horror movie and cuddling on the bed. I remember feeling like does he just want me for sex? What’s the deal. When we were cuddling obviously he was being very touchy and stuff and I could tell that he wanted to have sex. So we did lol. But it wasn’t as intense as the first time we met. We only did like one round (to what I can remember) and then we just talked for the rest of it. I remember he was telling me like “I got super attached to you, I feel like it’s more of a one-sided thing lol” and he was like making a joke of his attachment issues but I could tell he was being serious. We also ended up having a deep talk about our past relationships, our love languages; like we were having mad deep talks. And then I remember he said something like I finally found someone like you, but I can’t even have you. That’s because i lived in Brisbane btw. and we wouldn’t be able to regularly see each other. Then he continued and was saying like something about how everyone leaves or something (not in a male manipulator way but in a sweet way like, damn I can’t even see you after I found someone like you). It was really sweet. It was a really cute night.

I remember we just lay there in silence for a little bit, and I said to him “what now?” and he was like “I want to get to know everything about you. I wish I could’ve at least taken you out for some lunch or something but for now, I want to know everything about you.” And then I told him that the distance between us would probably just make us lowkey forget about each other, and he was like “or make us miss each other more.”

He was so sweet. After that last meet up, I caught feelings. I think. So when it got about time for me to leave, I told him to just drop me back off to my cousin’s place and that she would drop me off to the airport (which was a lie, I just didn’t want him dropping me off to the airport), but then I accidentally let it slip that I was catching an uber and he was like what? no I’ll drop you off and insisted. So he dropped me off to my cousin’s place and waited outside while I got my suitcase from her room, then I came back downstairs and put it in his trunk. Then before we went to the airport, we stopped by a McDonald’s to get some food, and he was on his phone when he got his food in the car too. Mad awkward. But it’s confusing right? Because it’s like, normally if a guy is constantly on his phone when he’s with me I’m gonna be like, okay you’re being rude and you’re just not that into me. But he insisted he would drop me off to the airport and everything so clearly he is into me, so I realised he’s just genuinely addicted to his fucking phone.

But anyway, we make it to the airport and he helps me get my bags out and stuff. Then as we say bye we kiss but he starts making out passionately with fucking TONGUE and all in the middle of the drop off section so I was like ….. and I told him I was like “we’re in public stopppp they’re all gonna stare” and he just replied with “let them stare” so I was like ooooo okay then. I see you.

So then obviously I go back to Brisbane and everything, and he sends me a text being like “send me a selfie once you land!” which I thought was kind of weird. Because you’d think that you would just be like “send me a text once you’ve landed safely” but he was like send me a selfie. But I just saw that as a sign that he just found me attractive obviously. But it was still kind of weird lol.

So we texted a lot for three weeks straight, then he bought me a flight to Sydney so we could see each other again LOL. It was crazy. So I got to Sydney, and then he parked his car so he could walk and pick me up which I thought was super cute. Then we got something to eat and it was really cute. He was holding my hand, and I just felt super comfortable with him.

That first trip I did to Sydney went well. I can’t really remember all the details. OH ALSO, he took off work that ENTIRE WEEK so we could spend time together which was actually the cutest fucking thing ever. So OBVIOUSLY I’M THINKING, okay this guy is super really into me. And I am too. He’s taking this seriously.

But like even in that trip, he was just constantly on his phone with me. That’s one of his fucking red flags, he was ALWAYS ON HIS PHONE. HE’S ADDICTED. At first I took it personally, but I realised that that’s just him. Anyway, so the trip goes well and I go back to Brisbane and everything and we start talking again just on Instagram which sucks. Because you go from seeing someone 24/7 to not seeing them at all. He would also never call me (which again, at first I took personally but some people genuinely just do not ever call and I know he wasn’t lying about this because the first time we facetimed, he was like ‘this is genuinely my first time using facetime). So he’s not a caller. Which I could get around to.

Anyway, I bought a flight to see him a week and a half after that because I had finished all my assignments, and I missed him. So I went back and this time was a little bit weird. That’s because we were both sick (like super sick) and my eye was fucked up (WHICH I LATER REALISED WAS BECAUSE THIS GUY GAVE ME CHLAMYDIA SO I HAD CHLAMYDIA CONJUNCTIVITIS LOL).