Entry 27

Hey all.

Are we really surprised it’s been like nearly another two months since I last wrote in here lmao. I mean, we all saw that coming. And by ‘we’, I mean ‘I’. No one fucking reads this shit. Probably for the best

Anyway, a fuck ton has happened since I last wrote in this goddamn thing.

For one – and maybe the most important – I’ve reconnected with Anjana and Renee! Genuinely so fucking hyped about it. I texted Anjana on her birthday early June and basically wrote out this whole paragraph talking about how I missed her, how I was sorry about everything, and effectively laid myself bare for her to judge and react. I was literally almost certain she would text back and be like ‘um…. no.’ But that crazy son of a bitch DIDN’T. She texted back another paragraph being like you’re a stupid bitch but I love you and from then it’s been like nothing ever happened omg.

I’m in Brisbane right now back at home and we’ve hung out a couple times and I’ve never been happier with her. I feel like I can fucking BREATHE when I’m with her. She’s honestly someone I would call my twin flame. I love her and she’ll remain one of my best friends for my fucking life. Though, it does make me feel super insecure in our friendship sometimes just because now she has so many other friends from uni which is great, but also a small part of me wants to hog her and be like ‘no, that’s my best friend fuck off’. Obviously, I don’t tell anyone that lmao I’d sound fucking crazy. Idk.

Anyway, moving on the Renee. My relationship to her is a little bit more tricky. I also texted her a massive paragraph the day after I texted Anjana (I was trying to turn a page in my life okay) and she also texted back super positively. So, obviously we were good friends again through text and shit and I was spending my 18th birthday in Sydney with my friends (yes I turned 18 WHOOO) and since she goes to uni in Syd I was like come hang with me!!!!

So we were texting back and forth and I was like omg meet us in the city we’re going to the city on my birthday to just fucking around and get high lmaoo. And that we did… honestly the most stoned I’ve ever been LMAOO. Me, dani, and abi went to this art exhibition and just sat staring at these fucking blowup things (Hannah in the future will know what I’m talking about) and genuinely I think I had an out of body experience LMAO. Though, the night kinda sucked because I felt like I was third-wheeling them two butttt nevertheless it’s okay now lol.

Anyway, back to the story.

So, honestly it was probably my fault for not being straight up wih Renee with what we were doing and where we were at, and she probably conceived it as a way of being like ‘I don’t really care whether you come or not’. Which definitely wasn’t the case. I ended up texting her my plan and she was like ‘ok’ but just… didn’t end up coming? Which was sad because she had texted like she was so excited about it and I was too and my friends were excited to meet her and then she just didn’t…. come. It fucking sucked and I looked like a loser in front of dani and abi. I haven’t talked to her since. Idk what to do.

ANYWAY.

I’m back home right now and ANOTHER MILESTONE HAPPENED! I tore all my fake eyelashes off and have been going au naturel since lmaoo. I honestly have never felt so comfortable in my own skin and I’ve also really gotten into makeup like blush, highlighter, mascara etc etc. I’m genuinely starting to love myself and I love it. If any of you guys had read my past entries, you’d know how insecure I was in the fact I only felt pretty with fake eyelashes on and so while being at home for a month and a bit, I figured, what better time to just tear them off and learn to tolerate myself bare? So I did exactly that.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it was definitely a tumultuous ride where so many times I’d feel so ugly, tempted to get them again, and so on. But getting into makeup and knowing what enhanced my features instead of changing them entirely really helped me feel more confident I feel like. Also, I started changing my fashion and have I think kind of realised that I wanna start dressing the way I want, so everytime I dress up I feel like a bad bitch lmaoo.

I’ve also come to the decision and have been seriously considering moving out of Wright for my second year and getting an apartment lol. I feel like I never feel super comfortable at Wright, just in terms of the fact I can’t go down to fucking eat if no one is there with me, I can’t do laundry and shit by myself because of anxietyyy, and I can’t fucking leave my room if I feel ugly lmao. But also, I hate the feeling of having groups and all this friendship drama at the same place I live at, because it makes me feel like I’m not home.

Like, I’m back home right now and I feel so fucking comfortable. I’m fully able to just lift up my feet and fucking r e l a x you know? Also, I’m honestly starting to fucking hate clubbing so that’s that as well. I feel like I kinda wanna distance myself from the uni party culture, but then again, will that be a decision I’ll regret when I’m 30 and everyone else has all these fun universtiy memories but mine wil just be sitting at home watching Netflix?

Either way, I just wanna be able to feel fully comfortale and confident in my living area, and I feel an apartment is the answer. My dad has also offered to buy an apartment for me which is fucking great (tho it’d be in my third year) and I’m honestly so priveleged to have a dad like mine. I love him to bits.

I love my entire family.

I’ve been back home since like June 17th I think and it’s now the 21st of July so I’ve been here for a month and a bit. I love it back home. It honestly takes leaving home to realise how comfortable and relaxed you feel at home. I missed them all so much and the fact that I’m leaving to go back to uni in less than a week is making me really stressed out.

I feel like I’m going to get really homesick even though I’ll see them again in September. Though, the way time has been passing here, I’m sure that holiday will come by extremely quickly. I guess I’m just sad because I’m debating whether moving away from home was a good decision in the first place. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love it at Canberra but being away from my family sucks. Like, really sucks. For example, even just calling my mum and dad stuff will give me homesickness and make me feel fomo because I miss being around them and stuff. I dunno.

I guess it’s just freaking me out that I’m going to be at Canberra for the next four years of my life and will have to be away from them for that long and probably even longer. I just love my family too much lmao I sound like that dude from Fast and Furious bruh.

I really don’t want to leave but it’s inevitable anyway. Back when I was in Canberra I didn’t get too homesick but I guess I feel super sad now to leave because I’ve been in Brisbane for over a month and I feel like I’m just super out of it.

Idk.

I should probably end this here.

See you next time 🙂