Damn.
It’s been a hot minute.
Well, I’m growing up. I graduated around two weeks ago and now I don’t really know what to do with my life. It’s just super jarring, you know? One minute you’ve got all these responsibilities at school like you know, assignments, tests, keeping up with friends, etc etc. But now that I’m done with high school for the REST OF MY LIFE, I’m just at a loss.
For one, I’ve completely detached myself from my (old) group consisting of Viktoria, Kate, Zarmina, Amal, and Imogen. Nothing happened and it was definitely all my fault, but I just wasn’t having that much fun with them. I felt like they were holding me back from doing what I wanted in high school like getting drunk, meeting boys, trying weed, etc LMAO.
I don’t regret distancing myself from them though. It’s been coming for a while starting from when I would miss lunches with them on days or even weeks consecutively to hang out with Anjana or Renee and Sophie and stuff like that. With them, I can just completely and utterly be myself. We talk about masturbating, sex, boys, drugs, alcohol, deep insecurities, and literally anything else you can think of.
This year’s been great for me.
For one, I came back from schoolies about a week back and man, that was the most fun I’ve had EVER. My confidence really went up from that trip LMAO. Well, to be fair, that wasn’t the only thing that went up… my body count went from 1 to 5 in a week OOP.
I don’t regret it though. I had my fun.
I had a threesome on the second night and the white guy’s dick hurt sooo bad bruh. He was just way too big. And then he came inside of me after the Samoan guy left and I was fuck. But it worked out because I just got a plan B the next morning and yeah.
Then I met a boy called Harry who had really soft fucking hair and we fucked LMAO. Well, I don’t even know if you’d consider it fucking because the first time we did it we were on the beach just hooking up, then the second time we were also on the beach but on another one more inconspicuous… like the first time I’m pretty sure there was someone sitting on the bench above us but hopefully they didn’t see shit…
Anyway, Harry came over on the fourth night I think and it was super fucking awkward because we had to do it on the couch downstairs because all my friends were being anal about lending a bed for my… uh… activities. Which is pretty understandable because when I had the threesome I used Amy’s bed LMAOOOO. She wasn’t home though she had a rough night with the paramedics lol.
Yeah… she gave me some shit for that.
Whatever though.
Harry was the first time I swallowed cum. Not that I had too much experience in that department anyway. I nearly fucking vomited. Not because it tasted bad but because it was like warm as fuck and was just… not it.
But yeah.
A lot of people told me I was pretty, hot, and gorgeous during schoolies and it was kind of an eye-opening experience for me. I never saw myself as more than average and so when people told me how they saw me my heart would just burst.
As any of you could tell from reading my past entries, I’m a really fucking insecure person lol. I just always have been. And don’t get me wrong, I still am, but just not as much. I think I realised that I overthink everything too much when in reality people see me much better than how I see myself.
I also met a boy called Jayden Fisher at schoolies. He’s the only boy I still talk to from schoolies (people have hit me up but I stay loyal LMAO). He came up to me when I was shit-faced chilling with the red frogs, and he said, “I like your hat!” because I was wearing a cowboy hat. Then, me being as drunk as I was, I kissed him and was like OMG THANNNKKKK YOUUU!!!
Anyway, he kept texting me and skip forward a couple hours, I’m back at his place and we’re having sex. I mean, yeah, the sex part was nice and all, but it was what happened after that as well.
After I left and everything, he would text me being like “good morningg” and cute ass shit like that. But back then, I didn’t know if I even liked him when I was sober so I was like wtf this bitch is being super forward huh.
But whatever I just reciprocated his actions because I was bored and wanted something to do lol. I genuinely didn’t think it’d go anywhere then though which is literally so dumb seeing it from now LMAOO.
Even though I only met Jayden like a week and a bit ago, we’ve already hung out three times. The first time I snuck him into my house at night and we had a really nice talk at night. It was really cute. We were cuddling and everything then I snuck him back out really early in the morning and we bid our adieus.
The next time we met was the next day (since it was a Tuesday and he doesn’t have work on Tuesday’s), and this time we went to Mt Cootha and it was sooo romantic. We were cuddling on the grass staring at the city lights and we could literally just talk for hours and hours. The conversation just kept going and I loved it.
Then we kinda stopped talking for a few days because he was busy at work, then he hit me up again two days ago from today and said we should hang out so we did today!! I was really nervous because this was the first time we’d hung out in broad daylight and I was shitting my pants. I figured out what I would wear the night before and even put on my makeup the night before as well!! Like what the fuck Hannah you actual simp.
Nah but then he arrived this morning at around 10:30am because he has work starting at 2:30pm, and I was literally about to cry from nervousness.
I thought it would be really awkward because idkk. But it WASN’T!! The conversation just flowed and I loved it. It was kind of awkward when we were facing each other when we were eating Mexican food but like that was it. Then we went back to my place and just kissed and talked on my bed.
I don’t know where my thing with Jaden will go though.
Today he popped the “what are we” question and I told him I didn’t know. I need to figure out what I want from him first because I don’t even know if I like him thatt much.
I don’t know. Or maybe I do. I DON’T KNOW!
I don’t know if I want a relationship would be the best decision considering I’m going interstate in two months or so and I’m not a long-distance person at ALL. But then I don’t know if I’d be content with just being ‘friends that do sexual things together but in a kind of exclusive way’. I don’t want to just string him along like that.
I need to make up my mind with him soon.
I think I’m going over to his place this Tuesday and I’m staying over (omg) and I’m really excited for that. I’ve gotten over my initial nerves of hanging out with him and being scared it’ll be awkward. I’m just really excited to finally have sex with him again and everything HAHAHAHA.
Nah but fr, future Hannah reading this, I can’t wait for you to look back at this entry knowing what became of me and Jayden.
Until then.
